'It's gonna be strange.'
'Only if you make it out to be.'
Every person has their own misgivings and moments of self-doubt. It happens whenever you compare yourself to someone else (there's always someone who runs faster and jumps higher than you), or you gain the impression that those around you think you inadequate. It all comes down to how you think others perceive you. If others deem you to be funny, then you're funny. If others think you're pretentious, then you are that, too. Who we are is determined by how others perceive us, and what we think others perceive us as. The people around us are our mirrors. I've always been overly worried about that reflection, but I'm learning to let it be. Insecure things, we are. Let the mirror follow.

Middle of June already. I've got the New Zealand trip to look forward to, and a whole lot of other things in between. Even though there's nothing else really spectacular happening in life, I'm more than happy now to hang out with my friends and do all the little things that little people do. Putt-putt-putt...That's me, motoring along for now.

I came. I saw. I faltered.

Tadaa! Blog version 2.0. Decided to change my blog's appearance to something less 'dark' and easier to read. (This is what happens when you have time on your hands.) I would actually like to change what I write about too to something more substantial; for a long time I've wanted to write about the things that really matter to me - human rights, global warming, deforestation, democracy - but a part of me doesn't want to play the preacher. I don't have time to search for the evidence to support my claims, and I've never been good with numbers and statistics. I only have my own beliefs and convictions, and I'm not sure if they matter to anyone. Things like that are subjective after all. At least there's no arguing when I write about what I ate for breakfast or how good I am at soccer (ha).

I want to stand for something, stand up for something, fight for something. I don't want to be the nameless faceless crowd. I believe in change, the change that each and every one of us has the power to initiate. I do the little things, yes, I give to charity, but it seems too passive, too easy. I've often thought about going overseas to support humanitarian causes, but there's always something in the way, be it commitment to family or job or the plain comfort of idleness. (I think this last point is a common affliction amongst relatively affluent middle-class idiots like myself.) Like so many of my aspirations, this one has fallen to the wayside, waiting for me to come back to it someday, someday...

'I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war, if you can tell me something worth fighting for' - Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay

I'm in a state of limbo right now. Not going anywhere, not moving forwards or backwards. I'm in the waiting room, a sort of purgatory if you like. Atonement for my sins? Or just a resting place? I don't know how long I'm staying here, and it doesn't matter. I'm in no hurry. It's time to take things slow, slow, slow. If anything, the lessons from the past have taught me to tread carefully. I detest the mad rush anyway; by the time I've had the sense to poke my head out of my shell things have already moved on.

Haven't really done much this long weekend. Most of my friends have headed down to Canberra for a mini-road trip that I opted out of. I started regretting this decision tonight after dinner when I realised that I had finished the book I was reading, had already watched a movie and was left with not much else to do. But it's okay, I've got the writing bug once more and listening to Armstrong's What A Wonderful World has made everything beautiful again. Really, it's the little things that keep me happy.

I bought a ticket for the $50 million lotto draw the other day. My chances of winning were probably a billion-to-one and I've never won anything in my life, but as I was filling in the numbers I kept imagining I could see the winning ones, and I left the newsagency budgeting in my head how I would spend the winnings. So nothing came of it, and many say gambling is a waste of money but hey, $5.20 is a small price to pay for a dash of hope and dreams.

Time passes, it seems,
Even for small creatures.
You are still excited
By the jingle of your collar and leash,
And the food in your yellow bowl.

Happy Birthday Panzer.