I've started my new job, and although prior to starting I was both excited and a little apprehensive, now it's all a bit...underwhelming. Maybe it's because I've only just begun, but I don't feel like I'm really working. Could it be the fact that I'm no longer wearing a suit to work? That I don't have to tuck in my shirt and polish my shoes, sir? At times I feel (and look) like I'm going to uni instead of earning a living. It could also be the transition from my old work to the new one, much like the transition one makes when moving from primary to high school - when you move into the big kids' playground, part of you wants to go back to the sandpit.
I come in every morning, I work hard and work till late, but I feel detached from everything. Like there are two minds inside my head, and one of them is asleep. Something is...missing. This apathy is pervading my entire life at the moment. At work I put no effort into making friends; with friends I am a shadow.

I had my first dragonboat race two weeks' back. Our team had several boats - I was in a boat with fellow newbies. I screwed up the first heat big time. I completely mistimed my strokes and only managed to splash water everywhere. Our boat came last, but fortunately I was at the rear of the boat so no one saw me fuck up. 'The boat felt so heavy!' proclaimed some of the crew members as we clambered out of the boat. I managed to hide a smile.
The second heat was much better and we came second, however we didn't earn enough points to progress further. Damn.

Last week I attended a friend's karaoke birthday party, and the same apathy saw me languishing wistfully in a dark corner, watching the people around me slowly get pissed. I spoke when spoken to, laughed when you laughed (and drank water when you drank beer), but if you had peered past the fog, you would have noticed that at times you could see through me to the other side, and if you had brushed your hand against mine, it would have been as if brushing your hand through smoke.
I'm searching for something, but what?
Going home, I forgo the quickest route and drive down the busiest and most brightly-lit roads.