I've been bored this whole afternoon. Still am.
My brother's church friends came over in the morning and are still here, making mini-movies and skits for their church camp.
Church? God? Religion? Bah humbug!
My brother doesn't know of my disdain for religion. I think it would break his heart if he realised that his elder brother is so dismissive of something he believes so strongly in.

Anyway, now I'm stuck upstairs in my room, chatting, listening to music and playing air guitar. Yes that's right, my air guitar is going along very well. I just wave my arms wildly in the air and music magically comes out.

Ahh yes, the sound of bells on reindeers' feet are fast-approaching.
I had a peek at one of my presents last night. It was from this auntie who always gives pretty cool presents.
I was carefully opening it....opening it.....and it was.....a bracelet?! And a necklace?!! I checked the wrapping. Yup it had my name on it. On closer inspection, the necklacey thing was alright. But the bracelet... hmmm... I don't wanna get bashed.

Damn. Nothing else to write about. Oh well. Back to major chords and minor flourishes on my imaginary guitar...........

Last week my piano students brought me a present. They took it to the living room to put under the Christmas tree, but they started laughing when they saw that it was empty underneath. I started laughing too. It really was a pathetic sight - a small, lifeless, plastic tree and one present. (Okay, the situation has improved slightly; I think there's 4 boxes underneath it now.)

I remember, a long long time ago (when I was small and the Christmas tree was tall, of course), my brother and sister and I would get quite a lot of presents, and we'd divide them into separate piles so no one would end up opening the wrong present.
We'd wait excitedly for Christmas Day to come along so we could unwrap the presents, and I recall many a Christmas Eve where I'd lie awake in bed thinking about my presents. Then on Christmas Day, we'd all wake up early in the morning and run downstairs.........

Now......well now I get one or two presents, if any. One year they just suddenly stopped coming, and they've stopped coming ever since. Sure I get money here and there, but it's just not the same. Even Christmas itself is dying a slow death inside my heart. I no longer feel any joy, no premonition of happiness and wonder and warmth that I once felt as December approached.
Sigh. I truly am no longer a kid.

Still, I've sent out a few Christmas cards to friends. I haven't done so in ages, but I feel it necessary to maintain our ever-weakening bonds of friendship.


I was talking to a friend on the phone the other day, and we chanced upon a certain topic. A certain realisation struck me. Suddenly I am, as always, no longer sure. The seeds of doubt have been sown.

A few nights ago I was looking at all the messages on my phone. I have a habit of keeping old messages. In fact, I have a habit of keeping anything with sentimental value - letters, drawings and photos, brochures from memorable places I've been to, bits and pieces left by friends long gone but not forgotten. Yes I am very sentimental. Play a song for me.
Even though I think my life (or semblance to life) is boring, looking at all those messages makes me realise that, really, so much has happened this year. Friendships have been made, people have come and gone, hearts have been broken and bonded.
I guess I shouldn't complain too much about my life - it has its dramas and its ups and downs; I have friends and family and fresh clean underwear to wear every morning.

Yeah I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I find it increasingly hard to write about anything at all. Like now. And now. And now.
I just hope that I don't become like those people on my right there, who haven't updated their blogs in eons. Yes that's you!

These days I feel like I'm in a continual state of limbo. I'm enjoying the 'freedom' I have (when my mum isn't nagging me to clean the pool or clean my room or clean the whole damn house), but at the same time, I'm desperate to find a job. Job equals money. Money equals... more freedom?
I used to think that money was nothing but a goal for the greedy, but as one grows older, money and other such materialistic desires (such as more money) become ever important. Stupid money. When did we become enslaved to something so trivial?
Whence doth we set sail on such stormy waters? Doth hell knoweth no boundaries? Hath thy forsaken.........

I've been quite busy this past week. I've met up with friends, travelled to a far away land, gone Christmas shopping, watched a movie (Harry Potter), and attended a 21st party where I didn't know anyone (and left still not knowing anyone).

I want a blue sky holiday.

Pre-going-out post

Going out tonight with 'The Usual Bunch'. Somehow I don't think it's going to be any fun. Sure they're my friends and all but...it's just that.....sometimes.... Crap, I'm running late. Gotta go!


Post-going-out post

So yeah, the night ended up pretty shit, just as I predicted. We went to a small Japanese restaurant in Chinatown, ate our fill and went home. Very ordinary. Except ordinary has been done a hundred times before.
After tonight, I've decided not to go out with 'The Usual Bunch' for a while. Actually, I should call them 'The Three Couples', because that's what they are.
Yes, individually they're great people, but it's really no fun standing there, twiddling one's thumbs, while three couples are being merry with one another.
Going out with friends should make you feel wanted, give you a sense of companionship. Instead, going out with them only serves to highlight the fact that I am very much alone in this world.
Alone, jobless and peniless - everything that I am (and hate) and that they are not.
More than that, each time I see them, I feel anger. I'm not even sure why. Perhaps I'm jealous of them. Perhaps I don't like the fact that things have changed, that they have changed. Maybe I can't deal with it.
It doesn't help that my best friend is now a stranger.
Or that each and every time, I am reminded of how soft and warm her hands were when I held them.

So I ate my food silently at the table while the couples whispered quietly to one another and giggled and put food in each others' bowls.
Outside the rain fell down suddenly on hot summer streets just to suit my mood, and people scurried to and fro to avoid having their hair ruined by water. I would have called you for some comforting conversation, but I did not think of burdening you with my petty troubles. Instead I walked to the station and back home in the rain, letting my morose thoughts run down my jeans and sneakers and into the gutters and swirling drains.

My whole body is aching from doing boxing, badminton and rock-climbing within the space of two days. My nose also hurts after being punched in the face during the boxing session in the ring. That bastard.

Now that I'm on holidays and seemingly have nothing to do, I keep getting asked: 'What do you do all day?'
Honestly, I have no idea. It seems that the day just disappears after I wake. Of course, it doesn't help that I get up at around 11am every day. Hey come on, 5 years of study! My brain needs a rest!

I've been looking for jobs these few weeks. I've been getting lots and lots of rejections. But that's okay. I'm the king of rejections, and disappointment is my kingdom.
I never intended to start looking for jobs so soon - I wanted to relax, sleep, think. Travel. But I can't. I've fallen for peer pressure and conformity. Almost everyone I know has a job now. I don't want to be left behind. I hate being left behind. I want to be like you and you and you. And so the nail that sticks out is hammered back in.
It doesn't matter anyway - I can't really enjoy the holidays. Everyone is too busy working to go out; either that or they can't be bothered going anywhere. One of the things I've learnt as I grow up is that you can never rely on anyone.
Sure, they will tell you that they will always be there, that they will help you out. I want to believe it, I truly do, but I have been let down too many times to put faith in empty promises.
Please be there in my hour of need!

In more exciting news, I've decided I want to make a short film. I've got it all planned. Yes, stop laughing. I'm serious.

I enter the room and am faced with hostile stares. My first boxing lesson. Already I am having doubts. The smell of leather and sweat engulf me. Two young kids are going at it in the ring. I walk towards the benches, rows of eyes following my every move. They seem to mock and interrogate, taunting 'why are you here?' and 'this no place for you'.
I sit down on the bench and start fiddling with my bag. Everyone goes back to what they were doing - punching pads, lifting weights, wrapping their hands up in cloth.
After sitting there for a few moments, I decide to approach one of them. He's younger than me I think - lean and muscular, his arms bulge out of his singlet, and his predatory eyes size me up.
'Hey, is there an instructor or something?' I ask him.
'Sonny,' he replies blankly. 'Sonny's the guy. He's not here. Probably gone downstairs. He'll be back.'
So I sit back down and wait. And wait. And wait some more. Finally, an aging stocky man with a beer gut walks into the room. That's Sonny, I guess correctly. I go up to introduce myself, but he's too busy with the other boxers, padding them up, instructing them.
I decide to stop wasting time. I gingerly put on my boxing gloves (I bought the wrong type, I am told later) and, with a grim determination, stride over to the bag in the corner (where no one can see me) and start punching it.

Punch punch punch. I tire quickly. The bag is hard and I feel like I'm punching a brick wall. To uphold the 'I-know-what-I'm-doing' image, I try moving around the bag, jabbing at it. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, I AM Muhammed Ali.......
'Haay!'
I turn around. In front of me stands a lean man with a black t-shirt and short blonde hair that ends in a half-mullet.
'A good exercise to do is to hit the bag non-stop for a minute. Good for your fitness.'
'Okay,' I reply.
'My name's Lars by the way.' He draws out the 'a', so it's more like Laaaaars. I nod and introduce myself in return.
'Sorry, but you seemed kind of lost...'
Oh great.
'...so I thought maybe we could partner up and I could help you out.'
I nod, cautiously, in agreement. I'm always suspicious of new people.
And so we start training together - working on the bags, sparring on pads, doing sit-ups. It's not so bad.
During one of the activities, he asks me my age and weight. He tells me it's good that we're of similar weight, as we can be sparring partners. This is the only place you can say things like that without sounding gay.
After an hour or so of training together, the session is almost up. I pack my gear and get ready to leave.....
'Hey younger!' I look up. It's Sonny yelling from across the room. Is he talking to me? (Are ya talkin' to me?)
'Me?' I mouth, pointing to myself.
'Yeah you, come over here.'
I walk up to him.
'So.......you wanna box?'

He smells of stale beer and old man sweat. He reminds me of those down-and-out men who are slumped over their drink and vomit night after night at the local pub. Oh, but he knows what he's doing. He must have really been something when he was younger.
He teaches me basic techniques, goes through a few drills. One-two, one-two-hook. Weave, duck. Watch the target, keep your balance.
Exhausted, I'm glad when the session is over. But I'm eager. Eager for more. Like they say, there's something primal and pure about two guys punching the shit out of each other in a ring.
Even now my hands still hurt.

It's cold in my room. No one's online, and everyone's asleep in the house. Except for my sister, who's asking me for my credit card so she can buy something online.

I'm listening to old Chinese songs. Yes, people call me old, and at the same time, immature.
It's funny how music can bring back memories of times past. Songs your mum listened to when you were but a baby, sitting in the back seat of the car. Songs you listened to when you were studying for the HSC. Songs from old movies, songs you listened to and sang with friends, songs you danced to.
Your lover's theme...
She sings softly while you bang clumsily on the piano keys.
Once more I am nostalgic for things that were not meant to return.

I had a dream last night.
There she stands, the girl whom I loved(?) briefly, intensely. I hate her for the hurt she caused, for the scars that never.......There she stands with another man. Feelings of jealousy overwhelm me.....

Time for me to sleep, again.

Now that uni is over, I suddenly have nothing to talk about. Or do. I'm like a deflated balloon. But then, I don't mind. I feel I need time to sit at home and vegetate. A sure sign of senility.

Haven't really done much since the last exam. Went out with Brian and Amy on Friday night.....we ate at Maroubra, then spent a few brief moments of quiet contemplation under the stars at La Perouse. Amongst other things.

On Saturday night, I went out with Serenis and twelve of her friends. We had dinner at Newtown and finished off with karaoke in the city. Of course, me being the shy coward that I am, I made friends with none of them. Hey but I'm trying, I really am.

In other news, I'm not going overseas anymore. Damn! Oh well. I guess I can buy my BMW instead.


This should be a turning point in my life. Five years of frustration finally finished. I can scarcely believe it. Yet I feel no relief. Perhaps the realisation has yet to sink in.
But I am slowly, ever so slowly, spreading my sails. I know not where wind and water shall carry me...
Actually I feel lost. Well I guess I've always been lost, but now I'm more lost than ever. I no longer have anything to focus on in my life. Nothing and no one to keep me occupied, I'm cut loose and adrift. (Sail away, sail away, sail away...... *punches Enya)

Although if mermaids awaited me in the depths, I would hurl myself overboard and sink into murky ecstasy.

One down. One to go.
The exam today was okay. I could have done better if I hadn't spent the afternoon before napping, dreaming that my house was really on the harbour, and that looking out my bedroom window I could see the Harbour Bridge and Luna Park and sailing ships decked out in fairy lights......
My dreams are so vivid nowadays. It's almost like my dream-self is taking over, and the real me is fading away. Real me? Who is the real me? I mean sometimes.............oh my God...my fingers......they're...they're transparent! Help!! I'm vanishing!!!


I have another exam tomorrow. Great. My hand is still cramped up from writing non-stop for two hours. So is my brain.

As you can see, I don't really have much to write about today. I'm just procrastinating, trying to delay the inevitable study of......wait for it - 'Software Validation and Verification'. How nerdy does that sound? Yes, I am a nerd. But no, I don't want to study. Yet.
Testing.
One.
Two.
Three.
Lala.
ABC.

Out.

So I guess you're all wondering exactly how I went for my thesis presentation. Many of you were asking me: 'Do you get nervous during presentations?' 'Are you ready?' 'How long does it go for?' 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'


.....It's time, it's time. Adjust my tie. Re-adjust it. Is my collar down? Shirt tucked in? Crap wait, I feel the urge to piss. As I always do when I'm on edge. Check the time. Okay, 8.55. Still have time to duck out to the toilet........

Okay, looks like everyone's here. Let's start the presentations now. First up is Ai-don. Aidon Yaw............Aidon? Aidon Yaw?

Ahhh...Feel so much better now. Look into the mirror. Yup, hair's okay, tie is straight. As I walk out of the toilet, a guy suddenly confronts me.
'Are you Aidan?' He has a sly grin on his face.
'Yeah,' I nod.
'You're up first for presentation man!'
'Oh shit!'
Oh shit indeed. My heart is thumping as I run back to the lecture theatre. Shit, I didn't want to go first. I'm not ready yet! Hastily I fumble with my palm cards....
'Don't worry, we'll come back to you later. Next is Thuc Hoan.....'
Relief.

As I watch the other students' presentations though, a feeling of unease rises steadily inside of me. Everyone is so good. Their slides, their speeches, their topics. None of them read from palm cards. Not even the fobs. Great.
But then, one of the presentations go really bad. It's clear that this student was unprepared. He trips, he stumbles, he falls. I secretly celebrate his demise. An evil smirk crosses my face.
Relief.

I await my name to be called out. Is it this one? No. What about this one? No. NOW? No.
And then, finally - 'AIIIDOONN YAAAWWW.' The name booms ominously around the room, like a giant bell in a gothic cathedral. White doves scatter into the grey skies.

My heart is once again banging against my chest. I walk down to the front of the lecture theatre, each step resounding like gunshots against the concrete floor. I reach the computer, open up my Powerpoint slides.....

'Good morning thesis markers and fellow students........'

Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah. Blah blah blah.

It has begun.
All I hear is my own voice, rising and falling with the start and finish of each new sentence. Remember to look up from your palm cards, stare vacantly. Oh, don't forget to change slides. Talk. Look up. Change slides. Talk. Look up. Change slid.....
I'm talking too low. Too soft. Raise the pitch. Project your voice. Prrroooooooooojeeeect.
I am a robot. Do the robot. Nono, don't start dancing. Be a robot. Let my mouth speak on its own accord. I am in my own world. No longer scared.
Okay wait, the funny slides are coming up. Okay here they are. Look at those pictures everyone. Aren't they amusing. I look up. No one smiles. Fine.
Keep going. Time is running out. Talk faster, faster! Switch mouth speed to HI. The words come streaming out, jostling for space in the hot sticky air.

And then, as abruptly as it began, it is finished. The last chord hangs triumphant in mid-air, then crashes down like a storm crashing on the shore. I bow and bow to thunderous applause. The crowd are on their feet, clapping and cheering. I stride off the stage with the walk of a man who has achieved much in his lifetime.
The curtains close.
It is over.

I go home, play PS2 and eat KFC all afternoon with Michael and Brian.

I watched a Jackie Chan movie tonight. In it, Jackie Chan is this guy who keeps having flashbacks of his past life. Past life as in 2000 years ago, when he was a Qin dynasty general. So yeah, in his past life he was a great warrior, performing heroic deeds for the Emperor, slaying his enemies and, of course, getting the chick(s). Okay, so the movie sounds lame, but the idea was kind of cool.

Anyway, so I started wondering......Who was I in my past life? Was I strong? Powerful? Just? A hero to the common people?
I sat down, closed my eyes and channelled ancient memories through my mind... (*play dreamy harp music*.....Who was I in my past life? Who was I in my past life? Who was I........)

........A procession of horses travelling through the lonely countryside. On each horse, a soldier adorned in a bronze plate and helmet, spears and swords glinting in the sun. And there, drawn by two horses, is a red and gold carriage.
Inside sits a beautiful princess, on her way to marry some prince in Xi'an. Okay, so I'm pretty sure I wasn't a princess in my past life, or a female for that matter. Perhaps I'm that prince. But nah, there's no royalty in my blood.
Wait. The General who's leading the troupe. (He's secretly in love with the princess, and she with him...they're planning to run off into the wilderness...) Zoom in on him. Look at his stern face. That steely jaw. That could be me. Is it? Oh wait. I wish. He's tall. And broad-shouldered. Damn. Can't be me.
What about all those other soldiers on horseback? Too fat. Too lanky. Head too big. Fingers too stubby. Nope, none of them.

They're entering a small village now.
'Hey mate! Make a meal for us!' shouts one of the soldiers to the restaurant owner. What a rude prick. See, told you I'm not one of the soldiers.
Hurriedly the owner runs out the back and selects a pig from the pen to slaughter. No I am nowhere near fat enough to be a pig. Not the restaurant owner guy either - my eyes aren't that slanted.
As the soldiers eat, some old guy plays the Er Hu (Chinese violin) outside. The music is slow, lilting...the old guy is totally entranced by his own performance...eyes closed, head rolling from side to side. Gosh could it be? Could THIS be me in my past life? I mean, I can play an instrument.
And then he starts singing. A sharp, crooning voice, like chalk scratched across a blackboard. Okay, I don't sing like that. That can't be me.
'Shut the hell up old man!' yell the soldiers.

Outside, a young scholar strides hurriedly down the street, muttering under his breath. I don't talk to myself (I think. Do I? No, I'm sure I don't. Not usually. No.) He kicks a rock as he goes. Zoom in on rock. No, I am not an inanimate object. Zoom out.
The scholar bumps into a peasant farmer carrying a sackful of rice on his back.
'Watch where you're going,' the scholar whines.
'Sorry, sorry.'
A monkey scampers across, picking at scraps in the dirt. You can guess who that monkey is.
Back to the peasant. He's taking the rice to sell at the village square. Look at the way he's hunched over, staring at the ground. His hair is kind of spiky and matted, as if he put gel in it. Well there was no such thing as gel in those days (no dirty ideas please), so it must be all the sweat from not washing his hair in twenty years. He shuffles rather than walks. He looks lost. His caved-in head, vacant eyes, Neanderthal face......yes, that could be me. A woman walks by. He turns and gawks. Okay that's me. That's definitely me. Aidan the rice farmer. Aidan the peasant. Aidan th.......(*play dreamy harp music*)

Okay, I don't know why I wrote such a long pointless story. Guess I haven't written here in a long time, and thought I'd make up for it. With no less than a long pointless story, of course. But it doesn't matter, because I've got time. I've got all the time in the world baby*.
Why?
Because I've finished my thesis!!! I've finished ALL my assignments!!! I'M FINISHED!!! I'M FUCKING FINISHED!!! I'M FREE!!!
FREEEEEEEEEDOM!!!

*Not quite. I've still got a presentation and two exams. And then I have to find a job. Work. Save up. Buy a car. Have kids. Etcetera. Etcetera. Damnit.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away...This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special (special)..."

And so sings George Michael as we drive down to Maroubra Beach. Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in our eyes...is this is a dream?
"Wouldn't it be funny if someone pulls up next to us and hears us listening to Christmas songs?" asks Michael from the front.
I slide down the window and yell 'Merry Christmas!' at two guys walking on the street. We all laugh.
We arrive at the beach and bring out the buckets of KFC we had bought earlier. We sit at the tables, the sound of waves interrupted intermittedly by the sound of chicken being torn apart and consumed, mixed with muted conversation.
Enjoying the breeze, the companionship, the pretty girls in bikinis (and of course, the KFC)..... I guess this is my escape, our escape, from the pressures of uni, of relationships, of life.
Wednesday lunch is a time where the only thing that worries us is "What should we eat?" and afterwards, "What should we eat?" Nothing else matters.

I want to thank Brian and Michael. For being my friends. For being there.
"What about me?" you wonder. "Haven't I been your dearest bestest friend?" Yes, I'm sure you have, and the time will come for me to show you my gratitude.
But in the meantime...Brian and Michael are the two guys who are always around, and who know how much I, and we, suffer through uni. They're always there to talk to, to complain to, to pay out and be stupid with. And yes, even though sometimes (most times) I don't approve of them, it doesn't matter, because they treat me like a friend and they will always be such to me.

Okay now, on the count of three everybody........
one...two...three........Awwwwwwwww....


"I thought you were here to stay.... How can love be for a day...."
sings George Michael in the the background.

Do you drift with the current, watching life float idly by, and call it freedom?
Do you have aspirations waiting, waiting vainly, and name them dreams?
Do you sit at your desk, counting the eternal hours...minutes...label it work?

I wanted to go travelling at the end of the year. I've been thinking about it ever since I started uni. But now I don't care whether I go or not. In fact, I don't even feel like going. Maybe it's because of her?...I'm not sure. Nothing is sure. Nothing really matters much anymore.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I realise I've become one of them (I apologise if you are one of them). A nothing person. Mundane, boring, ordinary. Wakeup, eat, sleep, Wakeup, eat, sleep.
The scary thing is, I don't mind it. I'm comfortable in my isolation. Am I getting old? Or am I stuck in a hole?

I don't understand people. They tear each other apart. Selfish, callous. Full of contradicitions. They shoot you and give you a bandaid. But then I am like that, too.

1am.
I've been sitting here since the afternoon, working on my thesis, and all I've come up with is two pages. I've finally finished a section and now it's 1am.
Stop. I've had enough.
Everything is so quiet and peaceful, trapped in the box that is my bedroom. My computer hums and buzzes like it's about to take off.

Dic. Doc. Dic.
(Louder)
Dic Doc. Dic Dic Doc.
Dic Doc Doc. Dic Dic Dic Doc.
Raindrops are falling on the garage roof outside my window. Rainwater bubbles melodiously down gutters and pipes.

The rain brings back so many memories. Memories of a flooded backyard, of water dribbling down windows, of cold and miserable swimming lessons...
I like the rain. I've always been one to seek out the different shades of grey.


Rejection is being rolled into a ball and thrown into the bin. Close the lid so that none may see.

The more you try to forget something, the more you will remember it.

To tell you the truth, I'm not much in the mood for blogging. But then, I owe it to my readers to write an update. I'm sure you're all dying to know what's going on in my world...

Yesterday us guys + 2 (me, Michael, Brian + Samwise, Coolwormy) went to Westfields Bondi Junction to have yum cha.
I've never been to Westfields Bondi Junction before and have always wanted to go. It's so nice!! All stylish and modern. Everything is shiny and expensive and...empty. All these empty brand name shops lined up one after another, selling clothes with four-figures.

The yum cha place was of course very nice too. Us three guys ate and ate. The other two (girls) just looked on in horror and disgust. Those little wooden crates just kept piling up on our table. Did I tell you how much I love spring rolls? But then, I like any fried stuff. Like KFC.
And then the bill came. Twenty-five bucks. Twenty-five bucks for lunch! I'm broke. I want an iPod Nano.
Afterwards we drove to Watson's Bay to walk off the fat. It was only when we got there that we realised we had a lecture in the afternoon. Unfortunately it was too late to go back, so our only option, regrettably, was to miss it. I'll study extra hard during the break to make up for it. Promise.
I love the sea. I love how the blue of the sky and the blue of the sea are in perfect contrast. I love how it stretches out, far far away, like an infinitely large blue blanket. I felt like jumping in and sleeping with the fishes...


Tonight I visited my grandma at the hospital. It was not long ago that my grandpa had celebrated his ninetieth birthday, and she had done her hair and worn nice clothes. She looked elegant, healthy, happy. She was supposed to go to Hong Kong next week. Now there is no chance.
Stepping into the hospital, I was immediately engulfed by white walls and that strangely sweet septic smell. With it came a sense of dread. I was dreading what I would see of the woman who raised me and fed me in all my childhood years, whose love has never left me.

She lay there, fragile and broken. A small woman, she reminded me of an old porcelain doll in a pretend bed. The colour had drained from her face, and there were deep lines there that I had never seen before. The veins in her arms were bruised from a thousand cruel and angry needles. I felt so useless, standing there. I would do anything to heal her, but I could do nothing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to smash things up and scream 'FIX HER, FIX HER NOW!!!'
Seeing her like that, I cried invisible tears. I couldn't let my brother and sister see them. I had to act tough, but I'm not sure why.


Act tough. Pretend nothing's happened. Nothing can hurt me. Your lies mean nothing to me. There will be no white flag upon my door.

Push me to the ground,
Kick me when I'm down.

Another week...or has it been two? The days and weeks fly. I think of standing on a station platform, watching a train rush by, everything a blur. Except this train is infinitely long, and the carriages keep passing and passing by.

I've been sick for the past few days. I must have been studying too hard.
Yesterday I had to eat healthy for our Big Lunch Wednesday. I resorted to Subway with a Boost Juice wheatgrass drink (ewww), while the rest of them had KFC. Bastards. In the end I couldn't help stealing one of Sam's fried wings.


I hate being accused of deficiencies in my character. 'You pathetic half-man!!' The finger points, locks, fires. The wretched creature drops, a sack of nothing.
I won't change for you or you or you. If you want to cage a bird, find a snail. The sky is too high, too blue...


I need a holiday. Although, doesn't everyone? I need to escape from this world for a while. Away from all the shit people throw at me.
Where can I hide? Maybe I can walk into my closet, close the door and enter another land. A land of purple skies, dancing bananas and yes, the obligatory talking whales.
Or maybe everything will just be dark and stink of mothballs, and I'll have to come out of the closet.
Oh I'm so happy, happy and gay, but not in that way.

"Where are we?
He looked around. A cold wind buffeted his face, and her hair fluttered like wisps of silk. He didn't know where they were, or how they got there, but he didn't care. It was desolate, quiet, peaceful.
"I dunno."
"What do you mean 'you don't know'?"
"I'm not sure where we are."
"You never know anything."
"I do, sometimes."
"Sometimes...God, stop being so...indecisive!"
"Sorry."
"Why are you sorry? Stop saying sorry all the time, it's so damn annoying..."
"Ok sorry. Are you cold?"
"...always sorry sorry sorry. Stop being so fucking nice. It's so fucking boring..."
The waves fading in, fading out, an ancient rhythm to a song long since forgotten.

Another lazy Saturday afternoon...

I'm always so tired on Saturdays...well, I'm tired any day, but Saturdays especially. It's as if all the stress and lack of sleep and anxiety of the week come crashing down at the end.

I've done absolutely nothing today. No surprises there. Watched a movie, ate lunch, lay on the floor of my room listening to music...floundering like a sedated dog...

Yesterday I had lunch with Serenis in the city. We went to Myers because they were having a Father's Day sale. I bought two ties for myself, (they look sooo cool...I can't wait to wear them! Too bad I don't have any shirts. Or shoes.) but then remembered - hmm...yes, I DO have a father - so decided to give one tie to my dad for Father's Day (jeez I am such a thoughtful son, haha).

Tonight I have to go to this Father's Day dinner organised by my church. Yes, my mum finally persuaded me to go. I even have to sing a song with my brother for all the dads there!!!


Oh crap the bus is already there. Run, run, I can make it!!!
I am running, sprinting, flying... My unbuttoned shirt flutters behind me like a cape...the wind howling against my face...I am the wind, I am lightning, I am Superman gliding, I am...
*THUD!!*
(shit)
"...Oh damn, I'm so ss..."
"Watch where you're going mate!!!"
"..orry. Sorry, so sorry."
The bus drives off into the distance.

Ice Water

I built a castle in the snow,
A fortress deep and tall.
And though the world outside
Should crumble,
My rock would never fall.
It shielded me from winter winds,
From dark and violent storms,
But now the summer sun has come,
Where has my refuge gone?

Wooo...look who's here? It's MONKEY!!! MOOONKEY!! (Pigsy...) MONKEY!! (Pigsy...)
Are you reading this right now Monkey? Are you?! Well let me warn you, you better keep up your blogging or I shall strike down with great vengeance and FUUURIOUS anger....

Oh and Coolwormy's fixed hers......!

Anyway...

Today we (Michael, Brian, me) went for our weekly big lunch. Nicole joined in too which was cool.
After a brief and heated argument about where to eat (Michael = Nandos Chicken, me = pizza, Brian = whatever is edible), we settled on pizza (I am...winner!).
So yeah, we gobbled up two large pizzas and then drove down to McDonalds for some sundaes. After finishing my sundae in the car on the way back to uni, I had developed an unquenchable thirst, and I was forced to drink water from Brian's water bottle which he uses at the gym. The water tasted deliciously like Brian's sweat. Yum.

I was talking to a friend the other day. She had read my blog, and was saying that she couldn't understand how we have so much time to think and dream. She said she was 'past that stage'.
Well I don't think I'll ever stop thinking (except at uni) or dreaming. I hope that I'll keep thinking and dreaming all my life, and even when I'm 70 I'll wake up with thoughts of talking whales.



Tonight Coolwormy and I came up with a little story. We didn't intend to create one, but it sort of came out that way. (For the real conversation, check her blog.) Enjoy...

Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away, there lived a princess called Cheng Lim the XXII. She was extremely pretty (compared to all the peasant girls who worked all day in the mines) and relatively intelligent (there were many cases of mercury poisoning in the kingdom, leading to deformed and retarded children).
Many a fine gentleman asked her for her hand in marriage, but they were politely refused, for she was already engaged to Dim Sim Ian. Dim Sim Ian was from the enchanted land of Hongkongaloin, and had wooed her by pretending to be much more mature and older than what his birth certificates showed.

One day Princess Cheng Lim went riding in the woods by herself (Dim Sim Ian couldn't find his socks and spent the day sulking in his castle). As she was trotting through the woods, she saw something shiny shining in the not-too-distant distance.
I wonder what that is, she said to herself. Cheng Lim often spoke to herself.
Like a curious worm, she decided to investigate. She went on deeper into the woods, towards the shiny thing.

Closer...closer...closer

'Hot damn!!' she screamed. A few birds dropped dead from the trees.

There, lo and behold, in a clearing amongst the trees, lay a perfectly formed green-tea marble cake, bathed in dappled sunlight.

Without thinking, she leapt off her horse and ran towards the perfectly formed green-tea marble cake, bathed in dappled sunlight.
Just when she reached the perfectly formed green-tea marble cake, bathed in dappled sunlight, the ground began sinking beneath her feet.
'What the? Am I THAT heavy?' she said, breathlessly.
As she continued sinking, the realisation struck her... it was quicksand!
Panicking, she struggled in vain, kicking and screaming. But the more she struggled, the deeper she sank. She even tried breaststroking through the sand, but to no avail.

'HEEEEELPPP! she screamed. 'HEEELP HEEEEELP!!!!'
More birds dropped dead from trees.

Soon the sand was up to her...umm...chest.
'HEEEEELPPPP!!!'

And then, she heard the sound of a galloping horse. The sound of hooves on the forest floor became louder and louder, until, bursting through the trees, there stood her knight in shining armour.

'Wassssup my fair lady,' boomed the Knight.
'Save me dumbass!' cried Cheng Lim.
The Knight stopped, puzzled. The girl had a funny accent. Perhaps she had just come ashore from another land...
'Pardon, madamoiselle?'
'I said SAVE ME!'
'Oh ok. Wait, but on one condition.'
'Whaaat?!'
'I want to be with you forever and ever.'
'I can't! I'm engaged to Dim Sim Ian.'
'Pffft! That guy! I spit on thee!' (Takes off helmet, spits on ground, replaces helmet)
'So...either you be with me forever or die in the sands.'
'Ok ok, fine....hurry up and do it. DO IT!!'
By now, the sand was halfway up her mouth.

The Knight walked over to Cheng Lim and stretched out his hand.
'Come on, grab my hand. Don't worry, I've got arms.'
She could no longer reply but instinctively grasped his outstretched hand.
'Whoa shit you're...heavy...whoaa......whoooa...waaaaaaa....'
And with that, the Knight fell into the sand, to be forever with his beloved princess.

The End.

On Wednesdays, it is me, Michael and Brian's 'tradition' to go out to eat lunch between our 12.30-2pm break. Usually we go eat Thai or McDonalds at Stanmore, but today we decided to eat KFC in Burwood.

So we get to KFC and are standing there, staring at the menu. Brian and Michael want Wicked Wings (basically a more fried and chilli version of the original), while I am leaning towards a simple two-piece feed. I am about to order when I spot a combo meal they have.
'Hey look, they have a family feast thingy for $24.95. It's got like everything. Haha.'
I laughed because we couldn't possibly finish...what was it....10 pieces original chicken, 10 pieces Wicked Wings, potato and gravy/coleslaw, 1.25L Pepsi, 4 corn cobs, large chips...
'Actually thats not bad. You wanna get it?' says Brian, earnestly.
'What? Get that?! Are you serious?!!' I reply.
'What! That?! Serious?' repeats Michael.

And so we got it. We sat down and ate 20 pieces of greasy, deep-fried, dripping-with-fat chicken. Along with the chips. And Pepsi. And coleslaw. And chips. And yes, even the butter-smeared corn cobs.
All that between 3 people. I don't think I've eaten that much shit...well, junk shit...ever. I felt like I had just drunk a litre of oil. There goes your whole month of gym-work Brian, and so much for your 'diet'. More craziness followed when Michael attempted to buy a soft-serve cone at McDonalds next door...luckily I stopped him, lest he start puking in the car or something.

So yeah, we ended up getting back to uni at 2.20...fortunately the lecturer was late so it was ok. Not that I listened during lecture. I was too busy playing SimCity on Brian's PocketPC.

Oh tonight I ate a chicken schnitzel for dinner. More chicken. I'm going to lay an egg soon.


I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately. No, not the 'teenage' kind. Last night I dreamt I was watching the rugby grand finals at Telstra Stadium, except the field was only as large as a tennis court. A few weeks back I dreamt I was fighting the Japanese in WWII in China. And yeah, lots of little weird dreams in between, like shooting aliens on a spaceship or drowning in a sea of petrol.

Anyway, two nights ago I had a dream that I was whale-watching with my friends (yes, I think about you guys ALL the time...even when I'm sleeping...Awww).
We sat there on a cliff high above the water, waiting for the whales to appear. Every now and then one of us would jump into the water just for fun, because it was so boring sitting there. We waited and waited until the sky turned orange.
I had dived in again and was treading water, my back pressed against the rocks. Then, out of the blue, the whales appeared.
The sea was full of their massive black bodies, and they kept swimming closer and closer towards me. Soon they were right next to me, and although I was trembling with fear and trepidation, I reached out and touched one of them. It felt like...whale.
Suddenly one of them swam right up to me and faced me. It pushed me with its nose(?), pinning me to the rock. Then, two huge cartoon-like eyes appeared, staring at me and blinking. It went right up to my face, smiled at me, and whispered, 'Breathe' in a low and soft voice that only I could hear.
And then as they were swimming away, my damn alarm clock rang.

So that's my funny dream. I swear it was so real I could feel everything. I remember (in my dream) thinking how beautiful the sunset looked. And I remember wondering what Mr Whale meant by 'Breathe'.
Even now I still wonder. Are dreams messages sent to us by some unseen being? Are dreams the life of another 'you', a 'you' that is awake when you're asleep? Maybe now, while you're reading this, your other 'you' is dreaming that he/she is reading this blog.

But probably not. Most likely, dreams are just fragments of your thoughts and days, made into a little movie for you to watch.
That's the problem with growing up. When you are small, you dream that possibilities will open up to you in the future. Really though, it's the opposite.

I can't stand this cold anymore. It cuts like a knife, a wound that never heals. No matter how many layers of clothes I put on, I feel like I have icecubes permanently down my shirt (and pants). What the hell is wrong with the weather?! Is Spring not cometh sooneth?

Serenis came back from her world tour on Wednesday. A little darker perhaps, and a tiny little bit wiser. But yeah, still the good old Serenis. She has so many stories to tell, so many experiences... I'm very happy for her, that she had the time of her life, that she was able to fulfill one of her dreams.
We went out tonight to celebrate her homecoming. We had dinner at Wagamammas (nice food, shame about the price and serving size), and then dessert at Passionflower. The weather of course was, and still is, awful. Walking down city streets into Antartic gales is no fun. And then...I don't know, the night seemed...disjointed? Almost as if the winds carried some of the spirit of the night away...

My thesis isn't going very well. I'm getting quite worried. While I sit here, sand trickles down the hourglass. So much work to do...always so much...
My partner of course hasn't done anything. What can I do? Sure I can complain to the supervisor, and what? Lose not only the hint of a friendship, but be villified by all in the faculty? I'd rather suffer than be shunned, knowing that being shunned is a greater suffering in itself.

These days, everyone seems to be breaking up. Time, money, love, time....all shattered in an instant.
One of my friends broke up with his girlfriend after five years. Another good friend also broke up recently. He wanders around, a seemingly lost soul. That grin, that confident swagger, is gone. I can see the regret in his sunken face, his tired tired eyes...the realisation that half his dreams have disappeared in a night. He will mend and he will forget (like I once did, a long, long time ago), but it's always hard to fly with one wing...

Do you love the person you love because of who they are, or what they give you? Which one is more important? Have you found someone who can give you both?

Break up in Winter, start anew in Spring.

Short Post.
Not much else has been happening as of late. Applied for a few part-time jobs so I can save up money and go travelling at the end of the year. And buy a car too. And some nice business shirts and suits. And an mp3 player. Well, I haven't gotten any replies yet, so they're all on hold.
Been going out now and then...I watched 'War of the Worlds' on one of the nights. It was surprisingly good until the end, when I think the director/writer couldn't find a way to end the movie so he kind of cut it short abruptly.

Things are getting complicated. I hate that. I was complaining to Bee about how things are getting complicated and messy, and she said, 'You're the one making it complicated.'
I make things complicated because I think too much. I think too much because I'm...Aidan. If only I were a simple farmboy, toiling the fields and rolling down green meadows...

A change is in the air. Can you feel it? Friendly breezes smoothing over cold wet grass, random patches of green appearing on trees, birds finding their voices once more. I think they call it... 'Spring'...like warm water poured over ice...
I feel another change. People are changing. Friends, and the friendships they bring, are changing. I hope I make the right choices. The worst thing about regret is it hits you when you're down and makes it ten times worse.

My friend told me how he might be going overseas with his girlfriend and his family. He's a good guy and a good friend and I should be happy for him. I am, but not whole-heartedly. I'm jealous (He doesn't read this blog, right? Good.). Jealous that I don't get the same opportunity, jealous that I don't experience the same happiness. Jealousy is such a bad emotion.
Why should I care that someone else is enjoying life more than me? Why should the happiness that someone else feels in any way affect me? Stupid. Stupid emotion. Stupid person to feel a stupid emotion.

I was just sitting here before when I suddenly thought back to my one-day holiday in Hawaii. I remember the waves lapping gently on pristine shores, the blue cloudless sky, the beautiful people, the mesmerising sunset, the feeling of absolute freedom one gets from being totally carefree.
I miss those times, and thinking about it makes me sad. Memories make me sad. I'm very nostalgic. Or is it sentimental, I'm not sure I know the difference. I think a lot of things make me sad.

I begged her to stay.
She smiled, and turned away.

Suddenly, I feel drained. Did someone unplug the power cord? I haven't felt so tired in months. I feel tired when I haven't had enough sleep, but this is different. It's like...exhaustion. From what, I don't know. Just a lifeless doll slumped on the couch.

Do you believe in fate? I know a million people probably ask each other and themselves this question every day. It's funny though, because two people have asked me the same question in two days.
So do I believe in it? Mostly, no.
Ok here comes a cliche answer.
I don't believe in fate because it means the path we walk on has been predetermined. It means that someone somewhere has made this almighty plan and no matter what we do - sit on our bums, hide in a hole - we can't change it. So yeah...that day will be great, this day will be fucked, you will die on that afternoon. How can anyone believe that? And to believe that is to believe that there is no such thing as free will.
But then...a small part of me does believe in fate sometimes. Look at your friends. Look at the person beside you. There are six billion people in this world. That means the person you call 'friend' - the person whom you talk to, listen to, spend time with - is one in six billion. What are the odds of that?
And anyway, believing in fate is a kind of hoping. You believe in fate because you hope that things will eventually go your way. As in, 'Maybe it's fate I broke up with him, because I will find someone better.' Or, 'How lucky am I to have found you! It must have been fate.' It is a form of resignation. You place your future in the hands of a higher power, and things will sort themselves out for the better.

So the storms have come. I saw those dark clouds brewing, but stood helpless on the shore. Now the waves are crashing in.
'Who said I needed YOU?'
All illusions of intimacy, happiness, dissipate.

'Don't you ever feel lonely?'
'Only around people.'

Just came back from watching Sin City. It was kind of disappointing. I expected a lot more, but a third of the way into the movie, I just felt it wasn't delivering what it promised. (See previous post - 'Dr Aidan's thoughts on "Expecting more, receiving less"')

On Thursday I went to meet Jewelie for lunch in the city. I wish I could say we had a wonderful time, eating and chatting and laughing. I wish I could say that that little switch in both our brains switched to the 'ON' position, and we both 'clicked'. But no and no. A door closes...

On Friday night I shouted Nicole and Monkey dinner at this cosy little cafe called Cafe XXII in Pyrmont. I felt a little awkward sitting there with them. Actually, more than a little awkward. The cafe itself was pretty romantic, and the people who were eating there were all couples. And there I was, sitting there with a couple, the third wheel/leg/lightbulb. So uncomfortable. Damn you Chengy. Pulling out like that. So typical.
Anyway the service was great, and the food...yeah the food would have been great if the portions were like...tens times bigger. Western food always costs so much but never fills you up. They give you a huge plate, but the actual food fills up a tiny space in the centre. I guess that's the difference between Chinese food and Western food. Chinese food looks like shit (well at least my mum's does...sorry mum...hey but it tastes good!) but makes you full, whereas Western food looks great but leaves you wanting more.
So yeah, after that dinner we went to the Rocks for...more dinner! Pancakes at the Rocks! Woohoo! We ordered two pancakes (Bavarian Apple and 'The Ultimate') and gobbled them down. I got out of there feeling pretty sick. Almost like I had drunk a litre of cooking oil or something. Ugh.

Oh yeah, I went to the library to find those books I wanted to read. I had twenty on my list, and guess what? I couldn't find a single one of them! I went through every single book and went to every section, but not one of them was there! Argh! Stupid community library!! Stupid fobby community library!!

Damn uni is starting on Monday. Sigh. Holidays never seem long enough. Time never goes slow enough.

Samwise said that I'll be a 'melancholic father'. What the !!! Excuse me, I'll be the best father in the world! I will teach and give my kid(s) everything, and he'll/she'll/it'll/they'll say: 'Daddy, I/we love you!'
Actually, why the hell is a 22-year-old penniless chimney sweep talking about fatherhood at all?

It's almost 3am. I feel faint. I need to sleep, but there's thoughts running through my head. Sometimes you'll be out walking on the street, just a nice neighbourly stroll, and you trip on a crack in the pavement and break your ankle. Or a car will swerve off the road and run you down. Or a plane will fall out of the sky and...
Anyway, the point is, things just happen, whether you like it or not, no matter right or wrong. And sometimes feelings just appear, and no matter how hard you try to brush them aside, you know they are always there. OK so that doesn't really have anything to do with taking a leisurely stroll, but anyhow....
I have feelings that I shouldn't have. Am not allowed to have. But it's there, trapped inside of me. And it's not allowed to come out.
'That's the problem with you, you're not confident enough. Sometimes you should just say what you want, and you might get it.'
3.29am. Ok now I am so tired that I don't even know what I'm going on about.

So I'm blogging again. Which can only mean one thing, really. When you're up, there's always a down.
'But things always have to end,' she said.
'I feel like a ball, bouncing around.'
'What are you talking about, AIDAN.'

Maybe Samwise is right. I AM melancholic. My world is in shades of yellow mellow, and the taste in my mouth is bittersweet caramello.
I think I expect too much. When you go out looking for more, you inevitably come back with less. Like that movie you're dying to see, only to find it's full of half-assed characters and a cliche-ridden plot. Good guys will always win, in movies.
I should feel alright. I just passed an exam I've been dreading for years. I should feel ecstatic. And I did. For about 10 minutes. Now I just feel nothing. Like Bee, no sense of direction. I think I'll just go with the flow. Dead fish follow the stream, right?

Suddenly I feel like reading. I trawled through the net and made a list of books that I want to go borrow and read. There's like... 20 in total. If you have any recommendations, please tell.
Actually I feel even more like writing. I feel like writing a story. When I was in school, I used to write lots of stories. I even dreamt of being a writer or a journalist later on. The problem with writing is it's always hard to get started. I can never come up with any good ideas. So yeah, now I want to start one. Do you have any ideas? Perhaps I could write about you...

She gave me hope, and then extinguished the light. Another came to curse me. Two played tennis with my heart. Girls can really tear you up inside.

I went up in a rocket
And put a shooting star in my pocket
'I hope you like it,' I said to her
'Why thankyou,' she nodded, as she concurred.
'But' (handing the star back to me)
'I have a better one here, didn't you see?'
'Ohh,' I mutter...
(Crushing the star, throwing it in the gutter)

Look, my first blog photo! Woohoo! Isn't it beautiful? It just makes me want to go outside and sing.


-More photos-

So I'm back. Came back on Monday night, but I haven't bothered to blog because I've been so tired and, I dunno, just didn't feel like writing. I believe though that I blog most when I'm feeling blue, and these past few days have been good to me.

Hunter Valley was awesome. I haven't had so much fun in ages. We drove down on Friday night to a place called the Barrington Tops. It was a full-sized lodge accommodating 10 people and it had everything: kitchen, TV, washing machine, dishwasher, spa, BBQ. We stayed there till Sunday afternoon... in between we went mountain-biking, bushwalking, played tennis, cooked a delicious dinner and chatted till the early hours of morning. It was just... so relaxing. Tiring too, yes, but relaxing. I felt like I was far far away from my daily life... no more worrying and bickering and fussing...here I could unwind, spend time with friends, laugh and be merry. I also got to know Samwise better (Yes Samwise, your status is now 'fwend'). I'm so glad he came along. He really brought life to the party and made the nights a lot more interesting (now now, no dirty thoughts). And his mountain-bike navigation skills are superb.

The night sky was mesmerising. We could see thousands of stars in the clear sky. One night we went walking in the dark, trying to name stars and constellations. As we were walking, the whole thing reminded me of something out of a movie or an anime...us walking down a dirt path, lights from cottages up ahead, and above and around us, surrounded by thousands of stars and a glowing moon in the night sky. Sigh...
I even saw my first shooting star on the first night. I was looking up when this brilliant white line flashed across the sky. I was so excited...I've always wanted to see a shooting star. I made a wish to the heavens...

The scenery around us was amazing too. It was just beautiful. I don't know, I've always had a thing for nature. Sitting in the car as we drove around, I would stare wide-eyed at the surrounding countryside, entranced by the lush green meadows and gently sloping hills. And then I'd look at the others in the car, and they'd be sleeping or looking bored. Hmm. Maybe I'm just weird. Anyway, we were having this discussion as to whether any of us would live in the countryside for a long time. Everyone said no (Chengy: 'I'm a city girl!') except for me. When I was young I used to dream of living on a farm or something, because it's just so...peaceful, and nice. Still, I couldn't live anywhere alone. But I could live anywhere with someone I love.

And just in... more good news! I passed the hardest subject of my course! I even got a credit! Oh my gosh. I'm so happy. Finally, I am free. Thank God Almighty, free at last...

It's cold. Winter...when will summer come? I long for the beach, the sun, the blue horizons. I want to feel hot breezes against my face, to be stifled by a blanket of heat, to sweat like a pig.

Things always have a habit of happening when you least expect it. It's kind of an inverse of 'if something can go wrong, it will'. Something popped up last night and caught me by surprise. But then, I'm not sure what it all means. I was happy, and scared, and everything in between.
I hate not knowing what another person is thinking. I'm usually pretty good at guessing another person's intentions/feelings, to the point where a few friends have suggested I might be a bit psychic or something (the force is strooong in this one...). But then when I can't tell, I get confused and insecure. Maybe that's one of my fears - uncertainty.

Tonight I played badminton with Monkey and Nicole. It was alright. I walked home from Homebush, since I didn't have a car. At first I was going to walk to Strathfield and catch the train home, but then I thought...I've got nothing else to do...might as well walk and get some (more) exercise. And so I did. Walk and walk and walk (...I walk these empty streets, along the boulevard of broken dreams...lalala...and I walk alone...). Took me one and a bit hours to get home. My legs are tired. I swear I've lost weight from that walk.

Actually I wanted to do something with them two. Anything. Hang out at Nicole's place and play cards, go for a coffee...anything. But they didn't suggest it, and I didn't ask. I'm sick of asking people to come out; it feels like I'm always begging. If people want you to come out, they'll ask you, right? Right? I think I'm gonna ask them less often now. Also, it feels weird going out with them, the couple that they are...I'm just this huge lightbulb...*DING! Anyway, I hate owing people. If I were poor, I'd never be a beggar. I'd rather steal.
I haven't been on MSN these past few days because I've been going out. My friend said to me: 'I dub thee socialite.' But then I don't feel satisfied. I had to use all my coersive powers to make it happen, so it doesn't count. Do I ask for too much? Do I always want more? (Please sir, can I have some more?... MOOORE?! MOOOOORE?!!!)
No.

I am not a Marvin,
Although I am kinda starvin'.

It's funny...I'm on holidays, but it doesn't really seem like I am. I just don't have that carefree feeling that you're supposed to feel when you are on holidays. Maybe I'll feel better when the exam results come out. Or maybe I'll feel ten times worse.

I actually have been going out and doing stuff these few days. Yay. I watched Batman with Coolwormy on Wednesday night, and then I've been shopping in the city these past two days. Yes, that's right, shopping. I dunno, I just feel like spending money.

On Wednesday I went with my mum to buy a suit, since I'll need it when I (supposedly, hopefully, miraculously) graduate and get a job. We went to a Korean store in Strathfield, and the lady there was trying hard to sell this suit to us, which we weren't really planning to buy because it was too pricey.
'He young man...this good suit, good for young man,' said the lady to my mum.
'Yeah but the price is above our budget,' my mum retorted.
'No this good suit. He need good suit. He young man. He very smart. Handsome boy...'
My mum scoffed and shook her head. Mum! What the..! GRrrrr...
'...need good suit. This suit good for him.'
'No, but too expensive...'
And so the conversation continued like a game of ping-pong. I was starting to get a little embarrassed because the lady kept saying how I was a smart young man, and that she could tell I was intelligent by my eyes. My eyes?! Huh?! Me, intelligent?!! Ooga. Oooga Boogah.
I was further embarrassed when my mum started bargaining. My mum always bargains down to such ridiculously low prices. The shop lady said she couldn't do such a price, but my mum just kept insisting. She never gives an inch. And in the end the lady caved in. I think everyone is scared of my mum.

Do you ever feel that there are people whom you can never get close to? Maybe a guy you always see in your lectures, or maybe a friend of a friend, or perhaps even...a friend. Sometimes I feel that there are people who, no matter what you do or say, you can never really know. It's like there's an invisible wall keeping you out of their world. You have to climb walls if you want to discover the other person. But walls, they only get higher as one gets older. Or could it be that the wall is really on my side? And is this...this...a hole in my defences?

People change. And people disappear. Where has everyone gone? My phone sits in silence, reminiscing on the days when friends would call. It sits and waits and so do I.
Tonight, I discover, another friendship lost. Expect the expected.

Sitting at home staring at the wall.
Winter sun streaming slowly
Through dusty window panes,
On a cliched Saturday afternoon.
Like a dog I scavenge,
Lapping up all remnants
Of affection and exultations
Before the day is done.

Captain's log 05/07/2005. Day 4.
Have been confined in this bunker now for 4 days. Have not gone out, despite having access to car... I mean, transportation unit. Asked my second-in-command, Lt. Monkey, what his immediate plans were. Work and 'stuff' his reply. He asked me in return. My response: nothing today, nothing tomorrow or the day after. Placed heavy emphasis on the word 'nothing'. Lt. Monkey does not get the hint. Maybe should demote him. Private Frank has gone AWOL. Conditions are stifling. Food stocks dwindling. Energy levels low.

I have a headache. Again. I seem to be getting them a lot these days. I think someone needs to operate on my brain (samwise). Forgive me if this post seems a bit muddled.

Well today was quite the anti-climax. I woke up early (probably explains the headache) so I could get things done and out of the way, leaving the afternoon free to watch Batman Begins with Coolwormy. After lunch, I rang her and told her to meet at Burwood, but she said she wouldn't be ready till 4.
'I'll call you when I'm ready,' she harked enthusiastically. And so I waited. And waited. And waited. And got an sms along the lines of 'I can't make it today'.
Another exciting, holiday-day wasted. Not that I really mind, cos you know, my holidays are so long. And it's fun to sit at home and watch TV or play games by myself. Really, it is.

Now I've got nothing to write about. Nothing leads to Nothingness. 'Then end the post,' says Varsus. But then I'll have nothing to do, you know. I mean, I have a million things to write about, but who really wants to read some guys' endless complaints and ponderings.
Lalala.
'I'm Invincible...' sings John Mayer on the stereo.
A plane drones somewhere in the night sky.
I can see my reflection in the window pane. I got a haircut today. It looks shit.
Let's see who's online again. 24 people. 24 peope sitting on my desktop with funky nicknames like 'Joejoe' and 'xjhaha'. I wonder what each of them are doing. Are they happy, are they sad? Do they drift with the current or swim against it? They're so close, yet far. They're there, but not really.

Do you ever feel you're somebody you're not? That that face - that smiling, frowning, grimacing face you wear - isn't really you? That the real you hides somewhere behind that mask?
Lately I feel like I'm not myself. And when I think about it some more, I find that I haven't really been myself for a long time. When I was young(er), I knew what I wanted to be. I knew what my goals were and how I would go about achieving them. Looking back, I realise that as I've grown up, I've compromised on my beliefs, my values...I've drawn boundaries, put limits on my dreams.
I've lost myself. When I look into the mirror (What IS that thing? Oh it's my head), I can't say what I've become. A stranger to myself? Just a mish-mash of things that society wants or expects a guy to be. Like combination fried-rice.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bee left tonight. I drove out to the airport to see her off. Samwise and the Happy Couple were already there. Most people hate sad farewells, but I have to admit, I've taken a strange liking to them. I mean, I don't like to see people sad, but when they are...I guess that's when you see them for who they really are, vulnerable and stripped of all their defences. I guess it's part of the reason why some people like to see others' cry (yes that's you Fong).
I know the tears she cried were not for me, but I could feel the deep regret she had that she couldn't stay with us. I wanted to comfort her, tell her everything was alright, but somehow it just didn't feel appropriate... anyway I knew I wasn't the guy to do it.
Bee, we'll miss you. I'll miss you. Bee Back Soon Bee.

I wanted to watch a movie afterwards, but it was too late, so that was ruled out. I rang Monkey beforehand but he was feeling sick and didn't want to go out. Samwise needed to go to the UNSW library to study (study? at 10pm?!), and the Happy Couple seemed content to go home and sleep. Together of course.
Funny. I have just finished all my damn exams, I have the car for the whole night, and no one wants to go out or do anything. I think I need to make some more friends.

In the end we drove down to Burwood after persuading half of the Happy Couple (the better/worse half?) that he was feeling peckish. We ordered drinks (ice chocolate - the usual for me) and a mudcake.
After that, I suggested vigourously that we go visit Nicole to check out her unit, since the other half of the Happy Couple was contemplating moving in with her. Luckily she took the bait, so I was able to prolong this glorious night for another hour.
At Nicole's place, we chatted about this and that. And then I brought up how we might be going to the Hunter Valley for a weekend. I asked her whether she's interested. Yes, she replied, she is interested. And then:
'You can bring some friends if you like.'
'But I don't know any pretty friends.'
'Haha. No one says they have to be pretty. You can bring the ugliest girl you know, it doesn't matter. It makes no difference...I'll still talk to them.'
'You really are desperate, aren't you?'
I wonder if she caught the violent anger that flashed momentarily in my eyes.
So now if I try to know some girls then I'm desperate. And more so if they're ugly. So fine, label me desperate. In fact, tell everyone I am. Make sure all your girlfriends know I'm desperate. That I'm a fucking desperate loser.

Last night we had steamboat at my place, because Bee's going back to Lalaland next week. Coolwormy and I went shopping in Ashfield to get all the steamboat stuff...fishballs, tofu, beef, pork, vegies, etc. I forgot how fun grocery shopping can be, sometimes. Shit, am I turning into a woman/maid?

Anyway, just before we started cooking, I went to put a gas canister in one of the stoves. I pushed the canister in and there was this hissing sound as the gas escaped...I turned the dial to spark it, and it went 'PHOOMP!' The whole stove ignited! Everyone jumped back a metre in fright as this yellow fireball engulfed the stove and part of the table. I was kind of fixed to the spot, thinking...'wow this is kinda cool' and 'shit the table is on fire.'

In spite of that earlier party trick, steamboat turned out really nicely...the amount of food was just right, and everyone was happily eating/talking/laughing. When that was finished, we all sat down to watch Iron Chef on TV. Gosh I can't stand that show. It's so corny.
And then...to my favourite part...dessert!! Woooo!! Seriously I was so excited, cos it was this gelato cake....chocolate and hazelnut. Funny cos no one else seemed very excited. About a cake. I felt like a little kid. I really did. And so yeah, everyone gobbled down their slice and I gobbled down two cos I'm a greedy pig. I wish the cake was bigger.

Everyone left around 11, and after I dropped Coolwormy home I suddenly missed...everyone. I just miss being with people, being with friends. I don't know. When I got home, it was as if Panzer felt it as well. He was following me as I cleaned up the house, a sad expression on his furry face, his tail hanging between his legs. Sometimes I think he can read my mind (He can read my mind? How come he hasn't drowned himself in his dog bowl yet?). Or else, maybe he is a physical extension of my personality (Yes hello! I am Aidan's brain with four legs and fur).

Work seemed to drag on forever today. In the morning, I served this pleasant Indonesian girl. As I was getting the change from the till for her, I noticed she was staring at my left breast. I was like...'Whoa girl, I'm not into that'. But then when I handed her the change, she smiled sweetly and said, 'Thankyou Aeee-daan'. I realised then that she had been staring at my name tag, trying to figure out what A-I-D-A-N sounded like. That really made my day, because that's the first time someone has actually bothered to say my name when I'm serving them. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy for a moment or two. And she had such a warm smile. And I watched as she left the shop to meet her boyfriend waiting outside.
Later on during the day, I caught this Abo woman trying to shoplift. I confronted her and she emptied her bag, full of creams and stuff that she had just taken from the store. I tried to stop her from leaving as another staff member rang security, but she kept struggling like a wild animal as I restrained her.
'Let me go! I ain't got nothing!! LET ME GO!!!' she shrilled.
So I did. If only she were a guy, I would have punched her/him.

I can't seem to write tonight. I've got things to say, but it's coming out pretty clumsily. Sorry if this post seems kind of detached. I don't know, I just feel...feel...lonely. There I said it. I feel lonely. Lonelier than usual. I came online to see if there was anyone to talk to, but everyone's gone. I decided to blog, cos at least that's some kind of communication I guess. Shit and I've got an exam tomorrow. But I don't give. I just want to hide. God I'm such a fucken wuss.

I met a girl and I played her the blues,
But she was interested
In another pair of shoes.

Dashing forward with the ball, side-stepping one, two, three guys...try line in sight...run run, don't look back...put the ball down, put the ball down... putting... putting... putti... slipping... slipping... falling...down. The ball tumbled out of my reach. A million invisible spectators laughed. Effort: one million. Score: zero. That was the highlight of touch footy tonight.

Gosh, I swear I've been eating more and more these few weeks. I've put on like a million kilos. Hmm...this is fun. I think 'million' is the word of the week. As in, 'Give me Million Dollar, Baby!' Haha. Ok, that wasn't funny. Why am I even blogging? Should you not be studying, you might ask. Yes, I should. The end.

This morning I woke up...and it was freezing. Seriously. I had to walk to Ashfield in the wind and rain, because I promised Coolwormy that we'd go eat gelato at this gelato place near me. Can you believe that?! Gelato on a day like this! And yeah, I know I've got exams, but who can refuse gelato. Or Coolwormy ;) Anyway, Coolwormy and I got to the gelato place, and there were like a million flavours to choose from. Yum. She had this coupon that let you have two free scoops of passionfruit gelato, and so we had gelato without paying. Hehe. Yeah, we're Asian. And we're tight. I mean...poor.

I did some study in the afternoon, but not much, cos it was damn freezing. I'd forgotten how cold it gets in winter. It just seemed to get colder and colder by the hour. It was like, minus a million degrees. I half-expected/hoped that I'd see (a million) snowflakes when I looked out my window. But all I saw was a lonely palmtree swaying with the wind...

I really really need to get some warm clothes. Especially since I might be going to the snow. I was wearing like three shirts under a jumper today. How daggy. I was also wearing four pairs of underw....nah just kidding. I am!!

Tonight I watched this space documentary thingy on TV. Watching astronauts float around, seeing all the stars and planets...this little child inside of me was awoken, and he remembered that he too once dreamt of travelling to places a million miles from home. He always wished to be a spaceman. Or a cow. Or a coffee mug.

I arrived at uni in a panic, the clock ticking away. Half an hour... 29 minutes...28...27...trying to cram a whole textbook's worth of information into my pea-sized cranium. Don't you just hate it when you're cramming for an exam, and then the people next to you are also studying, asking each other questions and you think... 'Shit. I have no idea what they're talking about.'

Luckily the exam wasn't too bad. The questions were a lot simpler than I thought they'd be. Still, don't you just hate it when you're in the exam, taking it easy, and everyone else is writing furiously?
And don't you just hate it when you've finished the exam, and you haven't even filled up one booklet with your answers, and there is still an hour to go till the end, and yet the person next to you... the person next to you has the nerve to put up his hand and ask for yet ANOTHER booklet!!
What the hell is there to write about mate? Do you write in size 40? Are you drawing smiley faces on every page?
I finished early and sat and fidgeted and made a crane out of a small scrap of spare paper.
One down. Two more to shoot.

I came out of the exam, and saw a friend and another girl who had just finished the same exam in another room. This girl...I've always wanted to know her. She's been in a lot of my classes, but I never took the chance. Well, I asked them how they did in the exam, and then she and I started talking about stuff. Exam stuff. As I was leaving, I wished her good luck for her next exams, but she had already turned away.

Tonight, one of my students told me that I'm a good teacher. That kind of made my day. I've never been confident with my abilities as a teacher, and to be reassured like that gave me a sense of relief. Or should that be belief?

DAY POST

What do you do when you have exams coming up and you're on stuvac? You eat!!! Yes! I've been pigging out quite a lot lately... I'm really fat now. Yeah yeah, I know you guys don't believe me, but it's true. I'm a fat slob now. By the time you see me again though, it will have all gone away. So meh.

I think I've forgotten how to study. I've been sitting here, reading this textbook, and none of it has gone in my head. In my head. What's in my head? (zombie, zombie...)

I'm trapped in here. There's a whole world out there and I'm sitting in my room, reading about...let's see...'Managing the Design Process'. Woo. That sounds so fun.
I should be paddling down the Amazon River, or diving on coral reefs, or spotting lions on the Kenyan plains, or climbing Everest, or jumping across Antartic glaciers. OK, you get the picture. By the way, these are all dreams of mine. One day I want to live them. Especially climbing Everest. I want to climb to the top of the world and scream. And then climb back down.

See I'm so bored right now that I'm writing on my blog, about nothing really. Perhaps you'd like to know what I had for breakfast. No? Well, I had...what did I have...oh yeah, milk and leftover pancakes. Would you like to know what I had for lunch? No? I had dumplings. Again.
Dumplings for lunch,
Dumplings for tea,
When is someone gonna cook,
A nice meal for me?

Last night I dreamt that I died. I was hiding in the toilet of my house, because someone wanted to kill me. I can't remember why. I thought I was safe, but then this woman appeared at the doorway, holding a samurai sword. In one swift motion she drew her sword and plunged it through my chest. And then she was gone.
I wasn't sure whether I was dreaming or not. I fell down to my knees. My eyes were wide with fear, and I could hear my heart beating. I could feel the sword inside of me, where it entered and where it left. Warm blood came up from my throat, a suffocating syrup that threatened to drown me. It painted my teeth crimson, and seeped from my mouth like a river. Everything was so real that I thought I was dying.

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had.

NIGHT POST

Something happened to Coolwormy tonight. She was real upset, and I felt so useless because there was nothing I could do/say to make her feel better. Jewelie reassured me that just being there would help.
Anyway she was saying (on msn) how being in a relationship was sometimes like choosing candy. You choose candy even though you know it's bad for you. Coolwormy, what a crap analogy! She agreed, so she said, being in a relationship is like...
...choosing a shirt! I interrupted. You like it, but you know you can't wear it all the time and forever. At the same time, she messaged... 'it's like choosing a dress that you really like but doesn't fit'.
How funny was that. We kind of said the same thing. Well, great minds think alike.

Fong says that my blog is boring. Pfft. What do you want me to do Fong? Sing and dance here?

I'm so tired. Worked all day today and yesterday. Just weary of everything.
This is going to be a long post because I'm bored and I've got no life and I have nothing better to do.

On Friday, I went with Coolwormy to Bee's graduation in the morning. We first met up at Ashfield so we could buy flowers and a present for Bee. Afterwards we waited for the bus into uni. We were both in a happy mood, making jokes and laughing. People walking past kept looking at us and the flowers I was holding. They all had this 'aww-look-at-them-theyre-such-a-sweet-couple' look... I think Coolwormy was getting kind of embarrassed/uncomfortable, hahhaha. She kept stepping further and further away from me.

The graduation was fun... taking photos, eating free food, making jokes, eating free food. I talked to Bee's friend, Samwise. Got to know him pretty well, but didn't quite make it to the 'friends' stage. The older you get, the harder it is to make friends. I stayed around for Nicole's graduation on the same day, and took more photos, and ate more free food. Yay.
At night we all went out to celebrate in the city. We went to Galaxy World to play some games while we waited for the others to turn up. This funny thing happened...me and Monkey were playing air hockey, and I hit the puck a bit too hard.....when Monkey went to block it, the puck went flying out of the table and landed way above on an arcade machine. Oops. HAHA. Don't look at me. Not my fault! Stupid Monkey! :P
Anyway, we had dinner at Capitol Square...Korean food actually, since Samwise the Korean boy was with us. The food was so nice. Everyone was really full, so we hopped over to Passionflower for dessert, since ice-cream aids digestion....

Coolwormy and Ian had an argument, so we decided to call it a day and head home. Me and Jewelie took the train with the Bickering Couple to Ashfield, since I thought Coolwormy wanted us to keep her company. But then, as soon as we got to Ashfield, she and Ian just left. OK. So me and Jewelie had to walk to my place (in heels!...im so sorry) and then I drove her home. Bye bye. Of course I got lost on my way back and my mum ended up yelling at me on the phone, asking where I had taken the car.

On Saturday, I stayed at home and attempted to study. But I knew I wouldn't get anything done, so I didn't even try. I just played games. Shhhhh...
At night I went over to Nicole's place for dinner with her parents. Monkey was there, as was Nicole's roommate Steven and his girlfriend Anaka (Skywalker). It was a bit awkward, because Nicole's parents can't speak a word of English, so I had to talk to them in Mandarin the whole time. It was even worse for Monkey, who wouldn't even know if someone was swearing at him. He just sat there the whole time, occasionally smiling and nodding his head and pretending to not look perplexed when the parents threw a few words at him. When we were eating, the whole table was silent, because no one had or knew anything to say. I hate the eat-in-silence thing. So....uncomfortable. Thank god the TV was right in front of us. I acted like I was mesmerised to the TV so as to avoid forced conversation.
When everything was finished and cleaned up, Nicole's parents retired to their room, so only us younglings were left in the living room. Me, Monkey and Nicole played Big 2, only we made up all these strange punishments for the losing player. In the first round, when Monkey lost, his punishment was to chuck Nicole's slippers at Steven's head, which he promptly did to replies of "What the f.." from Steven. In another round, Nicole sucked a used teabag for 30 seconds. Other punishments included having lipstick drawn on your face, wearing Nicole's mum's cardigan, being tickled for a minute, and last but not least, doing a poledance in front of everyone (OK, I admit it, that's the round where I lost but NO, I did not enjoy it and NO, I am not an expert at it and NO, I have not taken lessons for it or performed in public for money.)

Yesterday I had to work all day. It was pretty quiet, so it was OK. Ah Yuen was telling me how she's on a diet because she's fat, and I just told her she's crazy, because she weighs like 10 kilos and looks like a chopstick.
An old lady walked in with a terrible cut on her leg from falling down the escalators or something, so I played doctor and helped clean up her wound and bandage it. Sigh. Why did I choose to do engineering...
A friend from high school came to visit me later on with his girlfriend. He was making all these jokes about condoms and whether I could give him ten packs for free. So I asked his girlfriend what flavour she liked. She immediately cried "Oh my god!" and ran out of the shop. Hey its not my fault! Your boyfriend started it!

At night I went to Fong's birthday hotpot with Annie. Again it was one of those eat-in-silence things. I dunno, I only knew Fong and Michael there, and this other guy on the table I had met before but wasn't too fond of (confidential reasons). The food was nice, although I wasn't quite full at the end of it...I kind of stopped myself, because no one was eating much and I looked (and ate) like a pig. Afterwards I let Annie drive herself home for a bit in my mum's car (she's on her L's). Risky I know, but it's the last time, and I've always wanted to teach her. Bye bye.

Well I guess that just about sums up what I've been doing these past few days. Today, being a public holiday, I worked as usual.
Tomorrow, I think I'll be doing nothing. The day after...maybe I'll......do nothing. And the next day........perhaps I'll do........nothing.

I feel so empty again. A friend told me some news the other day that really dragged me down. Well, I was kind of expecting it. It's just that I was pulled back to reality sooner than I thought I'd be.

I am walking rejection.

I'm finding it kind of hard to type right now cos I jarred my thumb at football. It still hurts. Damnit. And I played so crap tonight. Missed passes, tackles, runs. We lost badly again, but then, you already knew that.

Today I went shopping with a...friend. I think it was one of the worst times I've ever had with another person. And also the worst I've ever been treated by anyone. She just kept throwing insults at me, looking disinterested, complaining and being nasty. I don't understand. Did I do something wrong? Am I really that irritating/annoying/boring? I tried, I really tried.

On the train.
"Do you know anywhere nice to eat in the city?" (She takes something out of her bag.)
"Mmm...I don't know...depends on what you want to eat."
She stares at me with this 'you're a dumb stupid idiot' look.
"Derrr...obviously."(Plunges knife into my heart, and)
Moments later...
"Do you know what there is to do in the city at night?" (twists it from side to side.)
I look down at my chest, half-expecting blood to be pouring down my shirt. But there's nothing. Nothing but the pain. I can feel it, and it's real. It's the pain you feel when someone you love and care for rejects you. You really can die from a broken heart.

I went to uni in a daze. Ate lunch in a daze. Went to the lecture in a daze. I think I went to the wrong lecture, cos the lecturer was speaking in a foreign language. Afterwards I went to the city, bought some stuff... material things to give the false impression of satisfaction.
I decided to meet up with Jewelie and rang her up. I think I scared her. I'm sorry. I awkwardly gave her this present that I promised I'd give her. I wanted to talk to her, tell her stuff, but the words wouldn't come out. We stood on the train, not knowing what to say... (you like.. stuff?)

I got home, my head aching with a dull pain.

I handed in my last assignment yesterday! Yes!!! I am FREE! Yeah, the assignment I handed in...my god, it was so crap. I'm so scared, so very scared. If I fail that subject..you won't hear from me for a while I think.

I've been playing playstation these past two days like heaps...nothing else to do. I dunno, I got addicted to this soccer game. Stupid.

Hmm. Ok, I don't think I have anything to talk about. Oh I helped Coolwormy move the last of her stuff yesterday. Yes finally she has moved to Ashfield.

Right now I'm just sitting at my computer, chatting to friends on MSN. That's all I ever really do these days. Bee is complaining that I'm not talking to her (I just got nothing to talk about at the moment, Bee!) and Julie is falling asleep at her screen I think...
And now Bee is complaining that she never features in my posts. Fine Bee, here is a poem dedicated to you:

The Bee
The Bee, buzzing here and there,
Up and down and all around.
Hovering above gardens,
Sticking her bum into flowers.
You go yellow Bee,
Racing across green meadows.
Too bad you didn't see,
That big brown oak tree.

OK ok, that's the last stupid poem I'm gonna write...for this week :P

I've got stuff planned at the end of the week, which is good I guess. Got two friends graduating on friday...a dinner with one of them on saturday...and a birthday dinner on sunday. Woohoo.

Today is my dog Panzer's 11th birthday, so I decided to write him a poem:

Little Panzer
O Panzer,
My little Wanza.
You used to be Seven,
But now you are Eleven,
I know a guy who's name is Kevin.

The End.

I scored a try in football last night! Wooohoo!!! My teammate was passing it to the guy next to me, but he missed it and the ball dropped down at my feet, so I picked it up and ran. Run forrest run!!!!
It was funny because their team had a girl in it, and she almost scored because I missed a tag on her. Well you know, she was running down the sideline and I had her covered, but then I kind of hesitated when I went to grab her tag because you know, the tags are on the side of her legs and I didn't want to umm..touch the wrong areas? Gosh. Also didn't want to charge in and like knock her out or something. So yeah, she ended up passing by but luckily my other teammate tagged her in time.
We lost 14-3. Oh well, who cares about winning or losing, it's all about having fun. So says Fong.

I'm just eating dumplings for lunch right now. I think I've been eating dumplings almost every day for a year now. If I die tomorrow and they cut me up, I think they'd just find dumplings. In my head, too.

Tonight I'm going to the Twins concert. For those of you who don't know what/who they are, they are are HK pop group consisting of two teenagey girls who sing these syrupy-sweet songs about first loves and school and stuff. OK don't even ask. I was persuaded to go alright! I'm serious!!! I tried to hide it from my sister, but when she found out she was like...."What the hell! Oh my god do you like Twins???"
I reassured her that no, I do NOT like Twins but yes, I am going but only because one of my friends wanted me to go.
Sigh. The things you do for friends. :/
Will tell you how it went in the next post.

Today I woke up and found my brother downstairs halfway through watching 'Fight Club'. I remember thinking it was a crap movie when I first saw it, but watching it again I found it pretty cool.

Anyway my mum came home from shopping and I decided to cook her lunch (for once) since it was her birthday the other day. We had to wait for the sticky rice to cook, so she sat down in the living room to read the newspaper while I decided to play some soothing music for her. Ah what a good child I am. Except that soon she was yelling out, "Aidan! The water's boiling!" And, "Aidan! You forgot to put the lid on the pot!" And, "Aidan! You should have used a larger pot!" Oh well.

After lunch I started working on my assignment, except I got stuck really quickly, and stopped. So I decided to fix my computer up, since my brother stuffed up some files before. So yeah...fixing, installing, blah blah blah...and then...Shit. Where did that drive go? You know, the drive with all my mp3s that I had collected since high school and all those family photos. Where the hell is it? Gone. Erased. Goodbye.
I was so angry. I couldn't believe I was that stupid. It felt like someone had just destroyed all my cds and photo albums. I'm still a bit dazed, now.

To relieve my anguish, I went out to the backyard. Had a fight with my punching bag.
"What happened?"
"I just lost everything."
"Who cares? No one cares."
"Shuttup."
"How sad."
"I said shuttup, you pathetic thing hanging by a rope, punched and kicked and blown about by the wind."
"Haha. You shuttup too, you pathetic boy hanging by a thread, punched and kicked and blown about by people."

Ate dinner, and then drove to uni for tutoring. By that time it was 9.30, and I went to help Coolwormy finish moving to Ashfield. I thought last time she had a lot of stuff, but my god, this time there was so much stuff crammed into my car that it was close to exploding. You should have seen how many pairs of shoes she has. Why do people have so many pairs of shoes??? They only have two feet.

On the way to Ashfield we got pulled over for a random breath test. The officer asked to see my licence...I think that's the first time I've been asked to show my licence to an officer. I must have looked suspicious, wearing a cap and carrying so much stuff in my car. Well, he kept looking at my licence, and he didn't quite believe that that was me in the photo.
"Where's your glasses?"
"I'm wearing contacts."
Pause. Scrutinizes my face and the photo.
"Are you moving?"
"Yeah."
"Where you moving to?"
"Ashfield."
"You still live at this address?"
"Yeah...Oh I'm not actually moving...I'm helping her (points to Coolwormy) move."
"Ok."

Home now. It's 2am. My sister and my mum got home not long ago....they were out in the city, watching Star Wars and having Pancakes at the Rocks. It's my sister's present for my mum, but everyone knows (and she admitted it) that my sister just wants to satisfy her craving for pancakes.

Right now, I feel like talking to someone. Anyone. But there's no one. I guess I'll go to bed then, pretend to sleep, pretend to have nice dreams, pretend to wake up and be ready for the new day...

We had dinner at Burwood tonight for my mum's birthday, which was yesterday. You know, I totally forgot about it! Well, I remembered it was her birthday, but I forgot to get anything for her. Sorry mum! Oh well, I'm sure she doesn't mind since I'm such a GOOD SON, ahahha.

Things are back to the way they were. For a brief moment in time, things were really looking up. I was excited, impatient for each new day. But nothing ever happens. I think my life must be stuck on a circle. You think that yes, this part looks better, but then you keep moving and you realise it is all part of the one track. Never going anywhere, cycling round and round and round...

I hate it. I hate losing. I remember when I was little, my uncle used to play snakes and ladders with my brother and me. And whenever I lost, I would sulk for ages. I would demand that we play again, so that I might win this time around. Once I even had a tantrum and started screaming and crying. I guess some people are born to win and some born to lose. I hate waking up each morning, looking in the mirror and seeing the face of a loser.
Can I try again? Can I win this time?

I must grow up, I must be strong. Fight one more round... I must raise my hands, even though they are heavy as lead...

Once bitten, twice shy.
Twice bitten, let it die?