Suddenly, I feel drained. Did someone unplug the power cord? I haven't felt so tired in months. I feel tired when I haven't had enough sleep, but this is different. It's like...exhaustion. From what, I don't know. Just a lifeless doll slumped on the couch.

Do you believe in fate? I know a million people probably ask each other and themselves this question every day. It's funny though, because two people have asked me the same question in two days.
So do I believe in it? Mostly, no.
Ok here comes a cliche answer.
I don't believe in fate because it means the path we walk on has been predetermined. It means that someone somewhere has made this almighty plan and no matter what we do - sit on our bums, hide in a hole - we can't change it. So yeah...that day will be great, this day will be fucked, you will die on that afternoon. How can anyone believe that? And to believe that is to believe that there is no such thing as free will.
But then...a small part of me does believe in fate sometimes. Look at your friends. Look at the person beside you. There are six billion people in this world. That means the person you call 'friend' - the person whom you talk to, listen to, spend time with - is one in six billion. What are the odds of that?
And anyway, believing in fate is a kind of hoping. You believe in fate because you hope that things will eventually go your way. As in, 'Maybe it's fate I broke up with him, because I will find someone better.' Or, 'How lucky am I to have found you! It must have been fate.' It is a form of resignation. You place your future in the hands of a higher power, and things will sort themselves out for the better.

So the storms have come. I saw those dark clouds brewing, but stood helpless on the shore. Now the waves are crashing in.
'Who said I needed YOU?'
All illusions of intimacy, happiness, dissipate.

'Don't you ever feel lonely?'
'Only around people.'

Just came back from watching Sin City. It was kind of disappointing. I expected a lot more, but a third of the way into the movie, I just felt it wasn't delivering what it promised. (See previous post - 'Dr Aidan's thoughts on "Expecting more, receiving less"')

On Thursday I went to meet Jewelie for lunch in the city. I wish I could say we had a wonderful time, eating and chatting and laughing. I wish I could say that that little switch in both our brains switched to the 'ON' position, and we both 'clicked'. But no and no. A door closes...

On Friday night I shouted Nicole and Monkey dinner at this cosy little cafe called Cafe XXII in Pyrmont. I felt a little awkward sitting there with them. Actually, more than a little awkward. The cafe itself was pretty romantic, and the people who were eating there were all couples. And there I was, sitting there with a couple, the third wheel/leg/lightbulb. So uncomfortable. Damn you Chengy. Pulling out like that. So typical.
Anyway the service was great, and the food...yeah the food would have been great if the portions were like...tens times bigger. Western food always costs so much but never fills you up. They give you a huge plate, but the actual food fills up a tiny space in the centre. I guess that's the difference between Chinese food and Western food. Chinese food looks like shit (well at least my mum's does...sorry mum...hey but it tastes good!) but makes you full, whereas Western food looks great but leaves you wanting more.
So yeah, after that dinner we went to the Rocks for...more dinner! Pancakes at the Rocks! Woohoo! We ordered two pancakes (Bavarian Apple and 'The Ultimate') and gobbled them down. I got out of there feeling pretty sick. Almost like I had drunk a litre of cooking oil or something. Ugh.

Oh yeah, I went to the library to find those books I wanted to read. I had twenty on my list, and guess what? I couldn't find a single one of them! I went through every single book and went to every section, but not one of them was there! Argh! Stupid community library!! Stupid fobby community library!!

Damn uni is starting on Monday. Sigh. Holidays never seem long enough. Time never goes slow enough.

Samwise said that I'll be a 'melancholic father'. What the !!! Excuse me, I'll be the best father in the world! I will teach and give my kid(s) everything, and he'll/she'll/it'll/they'll say: 'Daddy, I/we love you!'
Actually, why the hell is a 22-year-old penniless chimney sweep talking about fatherhood at all?

It's almost 3am. I feel faint. I need to sleep, but there's thoughts running through my head. Sometimes you'll be out walking on the street, just a nice neighbourly stroll, and you trip on a crack in the pavement and break your ankle. Or a car will swerve off the road and run you down. Or a plane will fall out of the sky and...
Anyway, the point is, things just happen, whether you like it or not, no matter right or wrong. And sometimes feelings just appear, and no matter how hard you try to brush them aside, you know they are always there. OK so that doesn't really have anything to do with taking a leisurely stroll, but anyhow....
I have feelings that I shouldn't have. Am not allowed to have. But it's there, trapped inside of me. And it's not allowed to come out.
'That's the problem with you, you're not confident enough. Sometimes you should just say what you want, and you might get it.'
3.29am. Ok now I am so tired that I don't even know what I'm going on about.

So I'm blogging again. Which can only mean one thing, really. When you're up, there's always a down.
'But things always have to end,' she said.
'I feel like a ball, bouncing around.'
'What are you talking about, AIDAN.'

Maybe Samwise is right. I AM melancholic. My world is in shades of yellow mellow, and the taste in my mouth is bittersweet caramello.
I think I expect too much. When you go out looking for more, you inevitably come back with less. Like that movie you're dying to see, only to find it's full of half-assed characters and a cliche-ridden plot. Good guys will always win, in movies.
I should feel alright. I just passed an exam I've been dreading for years. I should feel ecstatic. And I did. For about 10 minutes. Now I just feel nothing. Like Bee, no sense of direction. I think I'll just go with the flow. Dead fish follow the stream, right?

Suddenly I feel like reading. I trawled through the net and made a list of books that I want to go borrow and read. There's like... 20 in total. If you have any recommendations, please tell.
Actually I feel even more like writing. I feel like writing a story. When I was in school, I used to write lots of stories. I even dreamt of being a writer or a journalist later on. The problem with writing is it's always hard to get started. I can never come up with any good ideas. So yeah, now I want to start one. Do you have any ideas? Perhaps I could write about you...

She gave me hope, and then extinguished the light. Another came to curse me. Two played tennis with my heart. Girls can really tear you up inside.

I went up in a rocket
And put a shooting star in my pocket
'I hope you like it,' I said to her
'Why thankyou,' she nodded, as she concurred.
'But' (handing the star back to me)
'I have a better one here, didn't you see?'
'Ohh,' I mutter...
(Crushing the star, throwing it in the gutter)

Look, my first blog photo! Woohoo! Isn't it beautiful? It just makes me want to go outside and sing.


-More photos-

So I'm back. Came back on Monday night, but I haven't bothered to blog because I've been so tired and, I dunno, just didn't feel like writing. I believe though that I blog most when I'm feeling blue, and these past few days have been good to me.

Hunter Valley was awesome. I haven't had so much fun in ages. We drove down on Friday night to a place called the Barrington Tops. It was a full-sized lodge accommodating 10 people and it had everything: kitchen, TV, washing machine, dishwasher, spa, BBQ. We stayed there till Sunday afternoon... in between we went mountain-biking, bushwalking, played tennis, cooked a delicious dinner and chatted till the early hours of morning. It was just... so relaxing. Tiring too, yes, but relaxing. I felt like I was far far away from my daily life... no more worrying and bickering and fussing...here I could unwind, spend time with friends, laugh and be merry. I also got to know Samwise better (Yes Samwise, your status is now 'fwend'). I'm so glad he came along. He really brought life to the party and made the nights a lot more interesting (now now, no dirty thoughts). And his mountain-bike navigation skills are superb.

The night sky was mesmerising. We could see thousands of stars in the clear sky. One night we went walking in the dark, trying to name stars and constellations. As we were walking, the whole thing reminded me of something out of a movie or an anime...us walking down a dirt path, lights from cottages up ahead, and above and around us, surrounded by thousands of stars and a glowing moon in the night sky. Sigh...
I even saw my first shooting star on the first night. I was looking up when this brilliant white line flashed across the sky. I was so excited...I've always wanted to see a shooting star. I made a wish to the heavens...

The scenery around us was amazing too. It was just beautiful. I don't know, I've always had a thing for nature. Sitting in the car as we drove around, I would stare wide-eyed at the surrounding countryside, entranced by the lush green meadows and gently sloping hills. And then I'd look at the others in the car, and they'd be sleeping or looking bored. Hmm. Maybe I'm just weird. Anyway, we were having this discussion as to whether any of us would live in the countryside for a long time. Everyone said no (Chengy: 'I'm a city girl!') except for me. When I was young I used to dream of living on a farm or something, because it's just so...peaceful, and nice. Still, I couldn't live anywhere alone. But I could live anywhere with someone I love.

And just in... more good news! I passed the hardest subject of my course! I even got a credit! Oh my gosh. I'm so happy. Finally, I am free. Thank God Almighty, free at last...

It's cold. Winter...when will summer come? I long for the beach, the sun, the blue horizons. I want to feel hot breezes against my face, to be stifled by a blanket of heat, to sweat like a pig.

Things always have a habit of happening when you least expect it. It's kind of an inverse of 'if something can go wrong, it will'. Something popped up last night and caught me by surprise. But then, I'm not sure what it all means. I was happy, and scared, and everything in between.
I hate not knowing what another person is thinking. I'm usually pretty good at guessing another person's intentions/feelings, to the point where a few friends have suggested I might be a bit psychic or something (the force is strooong in this one...). But then when I can't tell, I get confused and insecure. Maybe that's one of my fears - uncertainty.

Tonight I played badminton with Monkey and Nicole. It was alright. I walked home from Homebush, since I didn't have a car. At first I was going to walk to Strathfield and catch the train home, but then I thought...I've got nothing else to do...might as well walk and get some (more) exercise. And so I did. Walk and walk and walk (...I walk these empty streets, along the boulevard of broken dreams...lalala...and I walk alone...). Took me one and a bit hours to get home. My legs are tired. I swear I've lost weight from that walk.

Actually I wanted to do something with them two. Anything. Hang out at Nicole's place and play cards, go for a coffee...anything. But they didn't suggest it, and I didn't ask. I'm sick of asking people to come out; it feels like I'm always begging. If people want you to come out, they'll ask you, right? Right? I think I'm gonna ask them less often now. Also, it feels weird going out with them, the couple that they are...I'm just this huge lightbulb...*DING! Anyway, I hate owing people. If I were poor, I'd never be a beggar. I'd rather steal.
I haven't been on MSN these past few days because I've been going out. My friend said to me: 'I dub thee socialite.' But then I don't feel satisfied. I had to use all my coersive powers to make it happen, so it doesn't count. Do I ask for too much? Do I always want more? (Please sir, can I have some more?... MOOORE?! MOOOOORE?!!!)
No.

I am not a Marvin,
Although I am kinda starvin'.

It's funny...I'm on holidays, but it doesn't really seem like I am. I just don't have that carefree feeling that you're supposed to feel when you are on holidays. Maybe I'll feel better when the exam results come out. Or maybe I'll feel ten times worse.

I actually have been going out and doing stuff these few days. Yay. I watched Batman with Coolwormy on Wednesday night, and then I've been shopping in the city these past two days. Yes, that's right, shopping. I dunno, I just feel like spending money.

On Wednesday I went with my mum to buy a suit, since I'll need it when I (supposedly, hopefully, miraculously) graduate and get a job. We went to a Korean store in Strathfield, and the lady there was trying hard to sell this suit to us, which we weren't really planning to buy because it was too pricey.
'He young man...this good suit, good for young man,' said the lady to my mum.
'Yeah but the price is above our budget,' my mum retorted.
'No this good suit. He need good suit. He young man. He very smart. Handsome boy...'
My mum scoffed and shook her head. Mum! What the..! GRrrrr...
'...need good suit. This suit good for him.'
'No, but too expensive...'
And so the conversation continued like a game of ping-pong. I was starting to get a little embarrassed because the lady kept saying how I was a smart young man, and that she could tell I was intelligent by my eyes. My eyes?! Huh?! Me, intelligent?!! Ooga. Oooga Boogah.
I was further embarrassed when my mum started bargaining. My mum always bargains down to such ridiculously low prices. The shop lady said she couldn't do such a price, but my mum just kept insisting. She never gives an inch. And in the end the lady caved in. I think everyone is scared of my mum.

Do you ever feel that there are people whom you can never get close to? Maybe a guy you always see in your lectures, or maybe a friend of a friend, or perhaps even...a friend. Sometimes I feel that there are people who, no matter what you do or say, you can never really know. It's like there's an invisible wall keeping you out of their world. You have to climb walls if you want to discover the other person. But walls, they only get higher as one gets older. Or could it be that the wall is really on my side? And is this...this...a hole in my defences?

People change. And people disappear. Where has everyone gone? My phone sits in silence, reminiscing on the days when friends would call. It sits and waits and so do I.
Tonight, I discover, another friendship lost. Expect the expected.

Sitting at home staring at the wall.
Winter sun streaming slowly
Through dusty window panes,
On a cliched Saturday afternoon.
Like a dog I scavenge,
Lapping up all remnants
Of affection and exultations
Before the day is done.

Captain's log 05/07/2005. Day 4.
Have been confined in this bunker now for 4 days. Have not gone out, despite having access to car... I mean, transportation unit. Asked my second-in-command, Lt. Monkey, what his immediate plans were. Work and 'stuff' his reply. He asked me in return. My response: nothing today, nothing tomorrow or the day after. Placed heavy emphasis on the word 'nothing'. Lt. Monkey does not get the hint. Maybe should demote him. Private Frank has gone AWOL. Conditions are stifling. Food stocks dwindling. Energy levels low.

I have a headache. Again. I seem to be getting them a lot these days. I think someone needs to operate on my brain (samwise). Forgive me if this post seems a bit muddled.

Well today was quite the anti-climax. I woke up early (probably explains the headache) so I could get things done and out of the way, leaving the afternoon free to watch Batman Begins with Coolwormy. After lunch, I rang her and told her to meet at Burwood, but she said she wouldn't be ready till 4.
'I'll call you when I'm ready,' she harked enthusiastically. And so I waited. And waited. And waited. And got an sms along the lines of 'I can't make it today'.
Another exciting, holiday-day wasted. Not that I really mind, cos you know, my holidays are so long. And it's fun to sit at home and watch TV or play games by myself. Really, it is.

Now I've got nothing to write about. Nothing leads to Nothingness. 'Then end the post,' says Varsus. But then I'll have nothing to do, you know. I mean, I have a million things to write about, but who really wants to read some guys' endless complaints and ponderings.
Lalala.
'I'm Invincible...' sings John Mayer on the stereo.
A plane drones somewhere in the night sky.
I can see my reflection in the window pane. I got a haircut today. It looks shit.
Let's see who's online again. 24 people. 24 peope sitting on my desktop with funky nicknames like 'Joejoe' and 'xjhaha'. I wonder what each of them are doing. Are they happy, are they sad? Do they drift with the current or swim against it? They're so close, yet far. They're there, but not really.

Do you ever feel you're somebody you're not? That that face - that smiling, frowning, grimacing face you wear - isn't really you? That the real you hides somewhere behind that mask?
Lately I feel like I'm not myself. And when I think about it some more, I find that I haven't really been myself for a long time. When I was young(er), I knew what I wanted to be. I knew what my goals were and how I would go about achieving them. Looking back, I realise that as I've grown up, I've compromised on my beliefs, my values...I've drawn boundaries, put limits on my dreams.
I've lost myself. When I look into the mirror (What IS that thing? Oh it's my head), I can't say what I've become. A stranger to myself? Just a mish-mash of things that society wants or expects a guy to be. Like combination fried-rice.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bee left tonight. I drove out to the airport to see her off. Samwise and the Happy Couple were already there. Most people hate sad farewells, but I have to admit, I've taken a strange liking to them. I mean, I don't like to see people sad, but when they are...I guess that's when you see them for who they really are, vulnerable and stripped of all their defences. I guess it's part of the reason why some people like to see others' cry (yes that's you Fong).
I know the tears she cried were not for me, but I could feel the deep regret she had that she couldn't stay with us. I wanted to comfort her, tell her everything was alright, but somehow it just didn't feel appropriate... anyway I knew I wasn't the guy to do it.
Bee, we'll miss you. I'll miss you. Bee Back Soon Bee.

I wanted to watch a movie afterwards, but it was too late, so that was ruled out. I rang Monkey beforehand but he was feeling sick and didn't want to go out. Samwise needed to go to the UNSW library to study (study? at 10pm?!), and the Happy Couple seemed content to go home and sleep. Together of course.
Funny. I have just finished all my damn exams, I have the car for the whole night, and no one wants to go out or do anything. I think I need to make some more friends.

In the end we drove down to Burwood after persuading half of the Happy Couple (the better/worse half?) that he was feeling peckish. We ordered drinks (ice chocolate - the usual for me) and a mudcake.
After that, I suggested vigourously that we go visit Nicole to check out her unit, since the other half of the Happy Couple was contemplating moving in with her. Luckily she took the bait, so I was able to prolong this glorious night for another hour.
At Nicole's place, we chatted about this and that. And then I brought up how we might be going to the Hunter Valley for a weekend. I asked her whether she's interested. Yes, she replied, she is interested. And then:
'You can bring some friends if you like.'
'But I don't know any pretty friends.'
'Haha. No one says they have to be pretty. You can bring the ugliest girl you know, it doesn't matter. It makes no difference...I'll still talk to them.'
'You really are desperate, aren't you?'
I wonder if she caught the violent anger that flashed momentarily in my eyes.
So now if I try to know some girls then I'm desperate. And more so if they're ugly. So fine, label me desperate. In fact, tell everyone I am. Make sure all your girlfriends know I'm desperate. That I'm a fucking desperate loser.