Do you drift with the current, watching life float idly by, and call it freedom?
Do you have aspirations waiting, waiting vainly, and name them dreams?
Do you sit at your desk, counting the eternal hours...minutes...label it work?

I wanted to go travelling at the end of the year. I've been thinking about it ever since I started uni. But now I don't care whether I go or not. In fact, I don't even feel like going. Maybe it's because of her?...I'm not sure. Nothing is sure. Nothing really matters much anymore.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I realise I've become one of them (I apologise if you are one of them). A nothing person. Mundane, boring, ordinary. Wakeup, eat, sleep, Wakeup, eat, sleep.
The scary thing is, I don't mind it. I'm comfortable in my isolation. Am I getting old? Or am I stuck in a hole?

I don't understand people. They tear each other apart. Selfish, callous. Full of contradicitions. They shoot you and give you a bandaid. But then I am like that, too.

1am.
I've been sitting here since the afternoon, working on my thesis, and all I've come up with is two pages. I've finally finished a section and now it's 1am.
Stop. I've had enough.
Everything is so quiet and peaceful, trapped in the box that is my bedroom. My computer hums and buzzes like it's about to take off.

Dic. Doc. Dic.
(Louder)
Dic Doc. Dic Dic Doc.
Dic Doc Doc. Dic Dic Dic Doc.
Raindrops are falling on the garage roof outside my window. Rainwater bubbles melodiously down gutters and pipes.

The rain brings back so many memories. Memories of a flooded backyard, of water dribbling down windows, of cold and miserable swimming lessons...
I like the rain. I've always been one to seek out the different shades of grey.


Rejection is being rolled into a ball and thrown into the bin. Close the lid so that none may see.

The more you try to forget something, the more you will remember it.

To tell you the truth, I'm not much in the mood for blogging. But then, I owe it to my readers to write an update. I'm sure you're all dying to know what's going on in my world...

Yesterday us guys + 2 (me, Michael, Brian + Samwise, Coolwormy) went to Westfields Bondi Junction to have yum cha.
I've never been to Westfields Bondi Junction before and have always wanted to go. It's so nice!! All stylish and modern. Everything is shiny and expensive and...empty. All these empty brand name shops lined up one after another, selling clothes with four-figures.

The yum cha place was of course very nice too. Us three guys ate and ate. The other two (girls) just looked on in horror and disgust. Those little wooden crates just kept piling up on our table. Did I tell you how much I love spring rolls? But then, I like any fried stuff. Like KFC.
And then the bill came. Twenty-five bucks. Twenty-five bucks for lunch! I'm broke. I want an iPod Nano.
Afterwards we drove to Watson's Bay to walk off the fat. It was only when we got there that we realised we had a lecture in the afternoon. Unfortunately it was too late to go back, so our only option, regrettably, was to miss it. I'll study extra hard during the break to make up for it. Promise.
I love the sea. I love how the blue of the sky and the blue of the sea are in perfect contrast. I love how it stretches out, far far away, like an infinitely large blue blanket. I felt like jumping in and sleeping with the fishes...


Tonight I visited my grandma at the hospital. It was not long ago that my grandpa had celebrated his ninetieth birthday, and she had done her hair and worn nice clothes. She looked elegant, healthy, happy. She was supposed to go to Hong Kong next week. Now there is no chance.
Stepping into the hospital, I was immediately engulfed by white walls and that strangely sweet septic smell. With it came a sense of dread. I was dreading what I would see of the woman who raised me and fed me in all my childhood years, whose love has never left me.

She lay there, fragile and broken. A small woman, she reminded me of an old porcelain doll in a pretend bed. The colour had drained from her face, and there were deep lines there that I had never seen before. The veins in her arms were bruised from a thousand cruel and angry needles. I felt so useless, standing there. I would do anything to heal her, but I could do nothing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to smash things up and scream 'FIX HER, FIX HER NOW!!!'
Seeing her like that, I cried invisible tears. I couldn't let my brother and sister see them. I had to act tough, but I'm not sure why.


Act tough. Pretend nothing's happened. Nothing can hurt me. Your lies mean nothing to me. There will be no white flag upon my door.

Push me to the ground,
Kick me when I'm down.

Another week...or has it been two? The days and weeks fly. I think of standing on a station platform, watching a train rush by, everything a blur. Except this train is infinitely long, and the carriages keep passing and passing by.

I've been sick for the past few days. I must have been studying too hard.
Yesterday I had to eat healthy for our Big Lunch Wednesday. I resorted to Subway with a Boost Juice wheatgrass drink (ewww), while the rest of them had KFC. Bastards. In the end I couldn't help stealing one of Sam's fried wings.


I hate being accused of deficiencies in my character. 'You pathetic half-man!!' The finger points, locks, fires. The wretched creature drops, a sack of nothing.
I won't change for you or you or you. If you want to cage a bird, find a snail. The sky is too high, too blue...


I need a holiday. Although, doesn't everyone? I need to escape from this world for a while. Away from all the shit people throw at me.
Where can I hide? Maybe I can walk into my closet, close the door and enter another land. A land of purple skies, dancing bananas and yes, the obligatory talking whales.
Or maybe everything will just be dark and stink of mothballs, and I'll have to come out of the closet.
Oh I'm so happy, happy and gay, but not in that way.

"Where are we?
He looked around. A cold wind buffeted his face, and her hair fluttered like wisps of silk. He didn't know where they were, or how they got there, but he didn't care. It was desolate, quiet, peaceful.
"I dunno."
"What do you mean 'you don't know'?"
"I'm not sure where we are."
"You never know anything."
"I do, sometimes."
"Sometimes...God, stop being so...indecisive!"
"Sorry."
"Why are you sorry? Stop saying sorry all the time, it's so damn annoying..."
"Ok sorry. Are you cold?"
"...always sorry sorry sorry. Stop being so fucking nice. It's so fucking boring..."
The waves fading in, fading out, an ancient rhythm to a song long since forgotten.

Another lazy Saturday afternoon...

I'm always so tired on Saturdays...well, I'm tired any day, but Saturdays especially. It's as if all the stress and lack of sleep and anxiety of the week come crashing down at the end.

I've done absolutely nothing today. No surprises there. Watched a movie, ate lunch, lay on the floor of my room listening to music...floundering like a sedated dog...

Yesterday I had lunch with Serenis in the city. We went to Myers because they were having a Father's Day sale. I bought two ties for myself, (they look sooo cool...I can't wait to wear them! Too bad I don't have any shirts. Or shoes.) but then remembered - hmm...yes, I DO have a father - so decided to give one tie to my dad for Father's Day (jeez I am such a thoughtful son, haha).

Tonight I have to go to this Father's Day dinner organised by my church. Yes, my mum finally persuaded me to go. I even have to sing a song with my brother for all the dads there!!!


Oh crap the bus is already there. Run, run, I can make it!!!
I am running, sprinting, flying... My unbuttoned shirt flutters behind me like a cape...the wind howling against my face...I am the wind, I am lightning, I am Superman gliding, I am...
*THUD!!*
(shit)
"...Oh damn, I'm so ss..."
"Watch where you're going mate!!!"
"..orry. Sorry, so sorry."
The bus drives off into the distance.