I've been bored this whole afternoon. Still am.
My brother's church friends came over in the morning and are still here, making mini-movies and skits for their church camp.
Church? God? Religion? Bah humbug!
My brother doesn't know of my disdain for religion. I think it would break his heart if he realised that his elder brother is so dismissive of something he believes so strongly in.

Anyway, now I'm stuck upstairs in my room, chatting, listening to music and playing air guitar. Yes that's right, my air guitar is going along very well. I just wave my arms wildly in the air and music magically comes out.

Ahh yes, the sound of bells on reindeers' feet are fast-approaching.
I had a peek at one of my presents last night. It was from this auntie who always gives pretty cool presents.
I was carefully opening it....opening it.....and it was.....a bracelet?! And a necklace?!! I checked the wrapping. Yup it had my name on it. On closer inspection, the necklacey thing was alright. But the bracelet... hmmm... I don't wanna get bashed.

Damn. Nothing else to write about. Oh well. Back to major chords and minor flourishes on my imaginary guitar...........

Last week my piano students brought me a present. They took it to the living room to put under the Christmas tree, but they started laughing when they saw that it was empty underneath. I started laughing too. It really was a pathetic sight - a small, lifeless, plastic tree and one present. (Okay, the situation has improved slightly; I think there's 4 boxes underneath it now.)

I remember, a long long time ago (when I was small and the Christmas tree was tall, of course), my brother and sister and I would get quite a lot of presents, and we'd divide them into separate piles so no one would end up opening the wrong present.
We'd wait excitedly for Christmas Day to come along so we could unwrap the presents, and I recall many a Christmas Eve where I'd lie awake in bed thinking about my presents. Then on Christmas Day, we'd all wake up early in the morning and run downstairs.........

Now......well now I get one or two presents, if any. One year they just suddenly stopped coming, and they've stopped coming ever since. Sure I get money here and there, but it's just not the same. Even Christmas itself is dying a slow death inside my heart. I no longer feel any joy, no premonition of happiness and wonder and warmth that I once felt as December approached.
Sigh. I truly am no longer a kid.

Still, I've sent out a few Christmas cards to friends. I haven't done so in ages, but I feel it necessary to maintain our ever-weakening bonds of friendship.


I was talking to a friend on the phone the other day, and we chanced upon a certain topic. A certain realisation struck me. Suddenly I am, as always, no longer sure. The seeds of doubt have been sown.

A few nights ago I was looking at all the messages on my phone. I have a habit of keeping old messages. In fact, I have a habit of keeping anything with sentimental value - letters, drawings and photos, brochures from memorable places I've been to, bits and pieces left by friends long gone but not forgotten. Yes I am very sentimental. Play a song for me.
Even though I think my life (or semblance to life) is boring, looking at all those messages makes me realise that, really, so much has happened this year. Friendships have been made, people have come and gone, hearts have been broken and bonded.
I guess I shouldn't complain too much about my life - it has its dramas and its ups and downs; I have friends and family and fresh clean underwear to wear every morning.

Yeah I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I find it increasingly hard to write about anything at all. Like now. And now. And now.
I just hope that I don't become like those people on my right there, who haven't updated their blogs in eons. Yes that's you!

These days I feel like I'm in a continual state of limbo. I'm enjoying the 'freedom' I have (when my mum isn't nagging me to clean the pool or clean my room or clean the whole damn house), but at the same time, I'm desperate to find a job. Job equals money. Money equals... more freedom?
I used to think that money was nothing but a goal for the greedy, but as one grows older, money and other such materialistic desires (such as more money) become ever important. Stupid money. When did we become enslaved to something so trivial?
Whence doth we set sail on such stormy waters? Doth hell knoweth no boundaries? Hath thy forsaken.........

I've been quite busy this past week. I've met up with friends, travelled to a far away land, gone Christmas shopping, watched a movie (Harry Potter), and attended a 21st party where I didn't know anyone (and left still not knowing anyone).

I want a blue sky holiday.

Pre-going-out post

Going out tonight with 'The Usual Bunch'. Somehow I don't think it's going to be any fun. Sure they're my friends and all but...it's just that.....sometimes.... Crap, I'm running late. Gotta go!


Post-going-out post

So yeah, the night ended up pretty shit, just as I predicted. We went to a small Japanese restaurant in Chinatown, ate our fill and went home. Very ordinary. Except ordinary has been done a hundred times before.
After tonight, I've decided not to go out with 'The Usual Bunch' for a while. Actually, I should call them 'The Three Couples', because that's what they are.
Yes, individually they're great people, but it's really no fun standing there, twiddling one's thumbs, while three couples are being merry with one another.
Going out with friends should make you feel wanted, give you a sense of companionship. Instead, going out with them only serves to highlight the fact that I am very much alone in this world.
Alone, jobless and peniless - everything that I am (and hate) and that they are not.
More than that, each time I see them, I feel anger. I'm not even sure why. Perhaps I'm jealous of them. Perhaps I don't like the fact that things have changed, that they have changed. Maybe I can't deal with it.
It doesn't help that my best friend is now a stranger.
Or that each and every time, I am reminded of how soft and warm her hands were when I held them.

So I ate my food silently at the table while the couples whispered quietly to one another and giggled and put food in each others' bowls.
Outside the rain fell down suddenly on hot summer streets just to suit my mood, and people scurried to and fro to avoid having their hair ruined by water. I would have called you for some comforting conversation, but I did not think of burdening you with my petty troubles. Instead I walked to the station and back home in the rain, letting my morose thoughts run down my jeans and sneakers and into the gutters and swirling drains.