Last night we had steamboat at my place, because Bee's going back to Lalaland next week. Coolwormy and I went shopping in Ashfield to get all the steamboat stuff...fishballs, tofu, beef, pork, vegies, etc. I forgot how fun grocery shopping can be, sometimes. Shit, am I turning into a woman/maid?

Anyway, just before we started cooking, I went to put a gas canister in one of the stoves. I pushed the canister in and there was this hissing sound as the gas escaped...I turned the dial to spark it, and it went 'PHOOMP!' The whole stove ignited! Everyone jumped back a metre in fright as this yellow fireball engulfed the stove and part of the table. I was kind of fixed to the spot, thinking...'wow this is kinda cool' and 'shit the table is on fire.'

In spite of that earlier party trick, steamboat turned out really nicely...the amount of food was just right, and everyone was happily eating/talking/laughing. When that was finished, we all sat down to watch Iron Chef on TV. Gosh I can't stand that show. It's so corny.
And then...to my favourite part...dessert!! Woooo!! Seriously I was so excited, cos it was this gelato cake....chocolate and hazelnut. Funny cos no one else seemed very excited. About a cake. I felt like a little kid. I really did. And so yeah, everyone gobbled down their slice and I gobbled down two cos I'm a greedy pig. I wish the cake was bigger.

Everyone left around 11, and after I dropped Coolwormy home I suddenly missed...everyone. I just miss being with people, being with friends. I don't know. When I got home, it was as if Panzer felt it as well. He was following me as I cleaned up the house, a sad expression on his furry face, his tail hanging between his legs. Sometimes I think he can read my mind (He can read my mind? How come he hasn't drowned himself in his dog bowl yet?). Or else, maybe he is a physical extension of my personality (Yes hello! I am Aidan's brain with four legs and fur).

Work seemed to drag on forever today. In the morning, I served this pleasant Indonesian girl. As I was getting the change from the till for her, I noticed she was staring at my left breast. I was like...'Whoa girl, I'm not into that'. But then when I handed her the change, she smiled sweetly and said, 'Thankyou Aeee-daan'. I realised then that she had been staring at my name tag, trying to figure out what A-I-D-A-N sounded like. That really made my day, because that's the first time someone has actually bothered to say my name when I'm serving them. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy for a moment or two. And she had such a warm smile. And I watched as she left the shop to meet her boyfriend waiting outside.
Later on during the day, I caught this Abo woman trying to shoplift. I confronted her and she emptied her bag, full of creams and stuff that she had just taken from the store. I tried to stop her from leaving as another staff member rang security, but she kept struggling like a wild animal as I restrained her.
'Let me go! I ain't got nothing!! LET ME GO!!!' she shrilled.
So I did. If only she were a guy, I would have punched her/him.

I can't seem to write tonight. I've got things to say, but it's coming out pretty clumsily. Sorry if this post seems kind of detached. I don't know, I just feel...feel...lonely. There I said it. I feel lonely. Lonelier than usual. I came online to see if there was anyone to talk to, but everyone's gone. I decided to blog, cos at least that's some kind of communication I guess. Shit and I've got an exam tomorrow. But I don't give. I just want to hide. God I'm such a fucken wuss.

I met a girl and I played her the blues,
But she was interested
In another pair of shoes.

Dashing forward with the ball, side-stepping one, two, three guys...try line in sight...run run, don't look back...put the ball down, put the ball down... putting... putting... putti... slipping... slipping... falling...down. The ball tumbled out of my reach. A million invisible spectators laughed. Effort: one million. Score: zero. That was the highlight of touch footy tonight.

Gosh, I swear I've been eating more and more these few weeks. I've put on like a million kilos. Hmm...this is fun. I think 'million' is the word of the week. As in, 'Give me Million Dollar, Baby!' Haha. Ok, that wasn't funny. Why am I even blogging? Should you not be studying, you might ask. Yes, I should. The end.

This morning I woke up...and it was freezing. Seriously. I had to walk to Ashfield in the wind and rain, because I promised Coolwormy that we'd go eat gelato at this gelato place near me. Can you believe that?! Gelato on a day like this! And yeah, I know I've got exams, but who can refuse gelato. Or Coolwormy ;) Anyway, Coolwormy and I got to the gelato place, and there were like a million flavours to choose from. Yum. She had this coupon that let you have two free scoops of passionfruit gelato, and so we had gelato without paying. Hehe. Yeah, we're Asian. And we're tight. I mean...poor.

I did some study in the afternoon, but not much, cos it was damn freezing. I'd forgotten how cold it gets in winter. It just seemed to get colder and colder by the hour. It was like, minus a million degrees. I half-expected/hoped that I'd see (a million) snowflakes when I looked out my window. But all I saw was a lonely palmtree swaying with the wind...

I really really need to get some warm clothes. Especially since I might be going to the snow. I was wearing like three shirts under a jumper today. How daggy. I was also wearing four pairs of underw....nah just kidding. I am!!

Tonight I watched this space documentary thingy on TV. Watching astronauts float around, seeing all the stars and planets...this little child inside of me was awoken, and he remembered that he too once dreamt of travelling to places a million miles from home. He always wished to be a spaceman. Or a cow. Or a coffee mug.

I arrived at uni in a panic, the clock ticking away. Half an hour... 29 minutes...28...27...trying to cram a whole textbook's worth of information into my pea-sized cranium. Don't you just hate it when you're cramming for an exam, and then the people next to you are also studying, asking each other questions and you think... 'Shit. I have no idea what they're talking about.'

Luckily the exam wasn't too bad. The questions were a lot simpler than I thought they'd be. Still, don't you just hate it when you're in the exam, taking it easy, and everyone else is writing furiously?
And don't you just hate it when you've finished the exam, and you haven't even filled up one booklet with your answers, and there is still an hour to go till the end, and yet the person next to you... the person next to you has the nerve to put up his hand and ask for yet ANOTHER booklet!!
What the hell is there to write about mate? Do you write in size 40? Are you drawing smiley faces on every page?
I finished early and sat and fidgeted and made a crane out of a small scrap of spare paper.
One down. Two more to shoot.

I came out of the exam, and saw a friend and another girl who had just finished the same exam in another room. This girl...I've always wanted to know her. She's been in a lot of my classes, but I never took the chance. Well, I asked them how they did in the exam, and then she and I started talking about stuff. Exam stuff. As I was leaving, I wished her good luck for her next exams, but she had already turned away.

Tonight, one of my students told me that I'm a good teacher. That kind of made my day. I've never been confident with my abilities as a teacher, and to be reassured like that gave me a sense of relief. Or should that be belief?

DAY POST

What do you do when you have exams coming up and you're on stuvac? You eat!!! Yes! I've been pigging out quite a lot lately... I'm really fat now. Yeah yeah, I know you guys don't believe me, but it's true. I'm a fat slob now. By the time you see me again though, it will have all gone away. So meh.

I think I've forgotten how to study. I've been sitting here, reading this textbook, and none of it has gone in my head. In my head. What's in my head? (zombie, zombie...)

I'm trapped in here. There's a whole world out there and I'm sitting in my room, reading about...let's see...'Managing the Design Process'. Woo. That sounds so fun.
I should be paddling down the Amazon River, or diving on coral reefs, or spotting lions on the Kenyan plains, or climbing Everest, or jumping across Antartic glaciers. OK, you get the picture. By the way, these are all dreams of mine. One day I want to live them. Especially climbing Everest. I want to climb to the top of the world and scream. And then climb back down.

See I'm so bored right now that I'm writing on my blog, about nothing really. Perhaps you'd like to know what I had for breakfast. No? Well, I had...what did I have...oh yeah, milk and leftover pancakes. Would you like to know what I had for lunch? No? I had dumplings. Again.
Dumplings for lunch,
Dumplings for tea,
When is someone gonna cook,
A nice meal for me?

Last night I dreamt that I died. I was hiding in the toilet of my house, because someone wanted to kill me. I can't remember why. I thought I was safe, but then this woman appeared at the doorway, holding a samurai sword. In one swift motion she drew her sword and plunged it through my chest. And then she was gone.
I wasn't sure whether I was dreaming or not. I fell down to my knees. My eyes were wide with fear, and I could hear my heart beating. I could feel the sword inside of me, where it entered and where it left. Warm blood came up from my throat, a suffocating syrup that threatened to drown me. It painted my teeth crimson, and seeped from my mouth like a river. Everything was so real that I thought I was dying.

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had.

NIGHT POST

Something happened to Coolwormy tonight. She was real upset, and I felt so useless because there was nothing I could do/say to make her feel better. Jewelie reassured me that just being there would help.
Anyway she was saying (on msn) how being in a relationship was sometimes like choosing candy. You choose candy even though you know it's bad for you. Coolwormy, what a crap analogy! She agreed, so she said, being in a relationship is like...
...choosing a shirt! I interrupted. You like it, but you know you can't wear it all the time and forever. At the same time, she messaged... 'it's like choosing a dress that you really like but doesn't fit'.
How funny was that. We kind of said the same thing. Well, great minds think alike.

Fong says that my blog is boring. Pfft. What do you want me to do Fong? Sing and dance here?

I'm so tired. Worked all day today and yesterday. Just weary of everything.
This is going to be a long post because I'm bored and I've got no life and I have nothing better to do.

On Friday, I went with Coolwormy to Bee's graduation in the morning. We first met up at Ashfield so we could buy flowers and a present for Bee. Afterwards we waited for the bus into uni. We were both in a happy mood, making jokes and laughing. People walking past kept looking at us and the flowers I was holding. They all had this 'aww-look-at-them-theyre-such-a-sweet-couple' look... I think Coolwormy was getting kind of embarrassed/uncomfortable, hahhaha. She kept stepping further and further away from me.

The graduation was fun... taking photos, eating free food, making jokes, eating free food. I talked to Bee's friend, Samwise. Got to know him pretty well, but didn't quite make it to the 'friends' stage. The older you get, the harder it is to make friends. I stayed around for Nicole's graduation on the same day, and took more photos, and ate more free food. Yay.
At night we all went out to celebrate in the city. We went to Galaxy World to play some games while we waited for the others to turn up. This funny thing happened...me and Monkey were playing air hockey, and I hit the puck a bit too hard.....when Monkey went to block it, the puck went flying out of the table and landed way above on an arcade machine. Oops. HAHA. Don't look at me. Not my fault! Stupid Monkey! :P
Anyway, we had dinner at Capitol Square...Korean food actually, since Samwise the Korean boy was with us. The food was so nice. Everyone was really full, so we hopped over to Passionflower for dessert, since ice-cream aids digestion....

Coolwormy and Ian had an argument, so we decided to call it a day and head home. Me and Jewelie took the train with the Bickering Couple to Ashfield, since I thought Coolwormy wanted us to keep her company. But then, as soon as we got to Ashfield, she and Ian just left. OK. So me and Jewelie had to walk to my place (in heels!...im so sorry) and then I drove her home. Bye bye. Of course I got lost on my way back and my mum ended up yelling at me on the phone, asking where I had taken the car.

On Saturday, I stayed at home and attempted to study. But I knew I wouldn't get anything done, so I didn't even try. I just played games. Shhhhh...
At night I went over to Nicole's place for dinner with her parents. Monkey was there, as was Nicole's roommate Steven and his girlfriend Anaka (Skywalker). It was a bit awkward, because Nicole's parents can't speak a word of English, so I had to talk to them in Mandarin the whole time. It was even worse for Monkey, who wouldn't even know if someone was swearing at him. He just sat there the whole time, occasionally smiling and nodding his head and pretending to not look perplexed when the parents threw a few words at him. When we were eating, the whole table was silent, because no one had or knew anything to say. I hate the eat-in-silence thing. So....uncomfortable. Thank god the TV was right in front of us. I acted like I was mesmerised to the TV so as to avoid forced conversation.
When everything was finished and cleaned up, Nicole's parents retired to their room, so only us younglings were left in the living room. Me, Monkey and Nicole played Big 2, only we made up all these strange punishments for the losing player. In the first round, when Monkey lost, his punishment was to chuck Nicole's slippers at Steven's head, which he promptly did to replies of "What the f.." from Steven. In another round, Nicole sucked a used teabag for 30 seconds. Other punishments included having lipstick drawn on your face, wearing Nicole's mum's cardigan, being tickled for a minute, and last but not least, doing a poledance in front of everyone (OK, I admit it, that's the round where I lost but NO, I did not enjoy it and NO, I am not an expert at it and NO, I have not taken lessons for it or performed in public for money.)

Yesterday I had to work all day. It was pretty quiet, so it was OK. Ah Yuen was telling me how she's on a diet because she's fat, and I just told her she's crazy, because she weighs like 10 kilos and looks like a chopstick.
An old lady walked in with a terrible cut on her leg from falling down the escalators or something, so I played doctor and helped clean up her wound and bandage it. Sigh. Why did I choose to do engineering...
A friend from high school came to visit me later on with his girlfriend. He was making all these jokes about condoms and whether I could give him ten packs for free. So I asked his girlfriend what flavour she liked. She immediately cried "Oh my god!" and ran out of the shop. Hey its not my fault! Your boyfriend started it!

At night I went to Fong's birthday hotpot with Annie. Again it was one of those eat-in-silence things. I dunno, I only knew Fong and Michael there, and this other guy on the table I had met before but wasn't too fond of (confidential reasons). The food was nice, although I wasn't quite full at the end of it...I kind of stopped myself, because no one was eating much and I looked (and ate) like a pig. Afterwards I let Annie drive herself home for a bit in my mum's car (she's on her L's). Risky I know, but it's the last time, and I've always wanted to teach her. Bye bye.

Well I guess that just about sums up what I've been doing these past few days. Today, being a public holiday, I worked as usual.
Tomorrow, I think I'll be doing nothing. The day after...maybe I'll......do nothing. And the next day........perhaps I'll do........nothing.

I feel so empty again. A friend told me some news the other day that really dragged me down. Well, I was kind of expecting it. It's just that I was pulled back to reality sooner than I thought I'd be.

I am walking rejection.

I'm finding it kind of hard to type right now cos I jarred my thumb at football. It still hurts. Damnit. And I played so crap tonight. Missed passes, tackles, runs. We lost badly again, but then, you already knew that.

Today I went shopping with a...friend. I think it was one of the worst times I've ever had with another person. And also the worst I've ever been treated by anyone. She just kept throwing insults at me, looking disinterested, complaining and being nasty. I don't understand. Did I do something wrong? Am I really that irritating/annoying/boring? I tried, I really tried.

On the train.
"Do you know anywhere nice to eat in the city?" (She takes something out of her bag.)
"Mmm...I don't know...depends on what you want to eat."
She stares at me with this 'you're a dumb stupid idiot' look.
"Derrr...obviously."(Plunges knife into my heart, and)
Moments later...
"Do you know what there is to do in the city at night?" (twists it from side to side.)
I look down at my chest, half-expecting blood to be pouring down my shirt. But there's nothing. Nothing but the pain. I can feel it, and it's real. It's the pain you feel when someone you love and care for rejects you. You really can die from a broken heart.

I went to uni in a daze. Ate lunch in a daze. Went to the lecture in a daze. I think I went to the wrong lecture, cos the lecturer was speaking in a foreign language. Afterwards I went to the city, bought some stuff... material things to give the false impression of satisfaction.
I decided to meet up with Jewelie and rang her up. I think I scared her. I'm sorry. I awkwardly gave her this present that I promised I'd give her. I wanted to talk to her, tell her stuff, but the words wouldn't come out. We stood on the train, not knowing what to say... (you like.. stuff?)

I got home, my head aching with a dull pain.

I handed in my last assignment yesterday! Yes!!! I am FREE! Yeah, the assignment I handed in...my god, it was so crap. I'm so scared, so very scared. If I fail that subject..you won't hear from me for a while I think.

I've been playing playstation these past two days like heaps...nothing else to do. I dunno, I got addicted to this soccer game. Stupid.

Hmm. Ok, I don't think I have anything to talk about. Oh I helped Coolwormy move the last of her stuff yesterday. Yes finally she has moved to Ashfield.

Right now I'm just sitting at my computer, chatting to friends on MSN. That's all I ever really do these days. Bee is complaining that I'm not talking to her (I just got nothing to talk about at the moment, Bee!) and Julie is falling asleep at her screen I think...
And now Bee is complaining that she never features in my posts. Fine Bee, here is a poem dedicated to you:

The Bee
The Bee, buzzing here and there,
Up and down and all around.
Hovering above gardens,
Sticking her bum into flowers.
You go yellow Bee,
Racing across green meadows.
Too bad you didn't see,
That big brown oak tree.

OK ok, that's the last stupid poem I'm gonna write...for this week :P

I've got stuff planned at the end of the week, which is good I guess. Got two friends graduating on friday...a dinner with one of them on saturday...and a birthday dinner on sunday. Woohoo.

Today is my dog Panzer's 11th birthday, so I decided to write him a poem:

Little Panzer
O Panzer,
My little Wanza.
You used to be Seven,
But now you are Eleven,
I know a guy who's name is Kevin.

The End.

I scored a try in football last night! Wooohoo!!! My teammate was passing it to the guy next to me, but he missed it and the ball dropped down at my feet, so I picked it up and ran. Run forrest run!!!!
It was funny because their team had a girl in it, and she almost scored because I missed a tag on her. Well you know, she was running down the sideline and I had her covered, but then I kind of hesitated when I went to grab her tag because you know, the tags are on the side of her legs and I didn't want to umm..touch the wrong areas? Gosh. Also didn't want to charge in and like knock her out or something. So yeah, she ended up passing by but luckily my other teammate tagged her in time.
We lost 14-3. Oh well, who cares about winning or losing, it's all about having fun. So says Fong.

I'm just eating dumplings for lunch right now. I think I've been eating dumplings almost every day for a year now. If I die tomorrow and they cut me up, I think they'd just find dumplings. In my head, too.

Tonight I'm going to the Twins concert. For those of you who don't know what/who they are, they are are HK pop group consisting of two teenagey girls who sing these syrupy-sweet songs about first loves and school and stuff. OK don't even ask. I was persuaded to go alright! I'm serious!!! I tried to hide it from my sister, but when she found out she was like...."What the hell! Oh my god do you like Twins???"
I reassured her that no, I do NOT like Twins but yes, I am going but only because one of my friends wanted me to go.
Sigh. The things you do for friends. :/
Will tell you how it went in the next post.

Today I woke up and found my brother downstairs halfway through watching 'Fight Club'. I remember thinking it was a crap movie when I first saw it, but watching it again I found it pretty cool.

Anyway my mum came home from shopping and I decided to cook her lunch (for once) since it was her birthday the other day. We had to wait for the sticky rice to cook, so she sat down in the living room to read the newspaper while I decided to play some soothing music for her. Ah what a good child I am. Except that soon she was yelling out, "Aidan! The water's boiling!" And, "Aidan! You forgot to put the lid on the pot!" And, "Aidan! You should have used a larger pot!" Oh well.

After lunch I started working on my assignment, except I got stuck really quickly, and stopped. So I decided to fix my computer up, since my brother stuffed up some files before. So yeah...fixing, installing, blah blah blah...and then...Shit. Where did that drive go? You know, the drive with all my mp3s that I had collected since high school and all those family photos. Where the hell is it? Gone. Erased. Goodbye.
I was so angry. I couldn't believe I was that stupid. It felt like someone had just destroyed all my cds and photo albums. I'm still a bit dazed, now.

To relieve my anguish, I went out to the backyard. Had a fight with my punching bag.
"What happened?"
"I just lost everything."
"Who cares? No one cares."
"Shuttup."
"How sad."
"I said shuttup, you pathetic thing hanging by a rope, punched and kicked and blown about by the wind."
"Haha. You shuttup too, you pathetic boy hanging by a thread, punched and kicked and blown about by people."

Ate dinner, and then drove to uni for tutoring. By that time it was 9.30, and I went to help Coolwormy finish moving to Ashfield. I thought last time she had a lot of stuff, but my god, this time there was so much stuff crammed into my car that it was close to exploding. You should have seen how many pairs of shoes she has. Why do people have so many pairs of shoes??? They only have two feet.

On the way to Ashfield we got pulled over for a random breath test. The officer asked to see my licence...I think that's the first time I've been asked to show my licence to an officer. I must have looked suspicious, wearing a cap and carrying so much stuff in my car. Well, he kept looking at my licence, and he didn't quite believe that that was me in the photo.
"Where's your glasses?"
"I'm wearing contacts."
Pause. Scrutinizes my face and the photo.
"Are you moving?"
"Yeah."
"Where you moving to?"
"Ashfield."
"You still live at this address?"
"Yeah...Oh I'm not actually moving...I'm helping her (points to Coolwormy) move."
"Ok."

Home now. It's 2am. My sister and my mum got home not long ago....they were out in the city, watching Star Wars and having Pancakes at the Rocks. It's my sister's present for my mum, but everyone knows (and she admitted it) that my sister just wants to satisfy her craving for pancakes.

Right now, I feel like talking to someone. Anyone. But there's no one. I guess I'll go to bed then, pretend to sleep, pretend to have nice dreams, pretend to wake up and be ready for the new day...

We had dinner at Burwood tonight for my mum's birthday, which was yesterday. You know, I totally forgot about it! Well, I remembered it was her birthday, but I forgot to get anything for her. Sorry mum! Oh well, I'm sure she doesn't mind since I'm such a GOOD SON, ahahha.

Things are back to the way they were. For a brief moment in time, things were really looking up. I was excited, impatient for each new day. But nothing ever happens. I think my life must be stuck on a circle. You think that yes, this part looks better, but then you keep moving and you realise it is all part of the one track. Never going anywhere, cycling round and round and round...

I hate it. I hate losing. I remember when I was little, my uncle used to play snakes and ladders with my brother and me. And whenever I lost, I would sulk for ages. I would demand that we play again, so that I might win this time around. Once I even had a tantrum and started screaming and crying. I guess some people are born to win and some born to lose. I hate waking up each morning, looking in the mirror and seeing the face of a loser.
Can I try again? Can I win this time?

I must grow up, I must be strong. Fight one more round... I must raise my hands, even though they are heavy as lead...

Once bitten, twice shy.
Twice bitten, let it die?